Big Sister

Not sure anyone still reads this blog.  Life is busy with 2 little ones and I'm sorry I haven't kept up on this.  Bayden has grown so much and here is a little post on what's new with her.  I have many other posts in my head, that I will hopefully post someday!

I shed many tears while I was pregnant with Henley because I was worried about Bayden and almost felt guilty that she wasn't going to be my baby anymore.  I shouldn't have worried.  She doesn't know any different and she adjusted so well to being a big sister.

Bayden is 19 months now and learning new things every minute it seems.  A few months ago, I was worried she wasn't talking as much as she should.  Now, she's talking all the time!  Most of it we can't understand.  We're thinking it's a secret language, but when we ask if she speaks mandarin, she says, "yeah."  She says "yeah" to everything though.  She says lots of animal names and their sounds.  Our favorites are:  "meow, neigh, hee-haw, and dontey (donkey)."  She points and says lots of body parts, including her butt and elbow, those 2 always make us laugh.  The biggest milestone in her communication was probably the night she said hockey for the first time.  Daddy was so happy.  Now, when she sees it on tv, she points and says, "hotey."  It's the cutest thing ever.  Bayden loves to look at books and point at pictures.  For awhile, all she was playing with were her books in the evening.  Her favorite is The Foot Book.

Bayden's other favorite things to play with are containers.  She loves to put things in and out of different things.

Bayden still loves to eat and we even asked at her 18 month check-up if she was getting too chunky.  We were worried we were going to have to watch her calorie intake, I was already limiting her to one cheese stick a day (her favorite food).  Turns out, she is right on track, just a little short, but will probably have a growth spurt in height soon.

She is such a good little girl.  There have been a few times, that she's shown some jealousy and wanted to be held when I need to be feeding or holding Henley, but she is distracted pretty easily.  She helps by taking Henley's diapers to the garbage and her clothes to the laundry room.  We have caught her several times wiping Henley's eye (she has a clogged tear duct).

She is a silly girl.  She is always making us laugh with her funny faces and crazy things she does.

Bayden's hair is out of control.  It's getting so long, but you'd never know because it just keeps getting curlier.  Every morning, I have to wet it down and try and put a portion of it up somehow so it's out of her face.  She actually leaves pony tails and barrettes in, but hates when I have to take them out.

We love her so much and it is so fun to see her grow and learn, but I sure wish I could slow it down.

Henley's Birth Story

I love telling people Henley's birth story.  I love to watch their faces when I get to the good parts and hear other similar stories.  I brought the baby name book to the hospital because we weren't 100% sure on the name.  Gavin looked at her name in the book again the next day and wouldn't you know her name means, "surprising."  She was a surprise in so many ways, including her delivery!

I had a doctor appointment on July 28th.  I was 90% thinned and dilated to 1 1/2 cm.  At the end of the appointment, I said something about my next appointment being scheduled for August 6th.  To which the doctor said, "oh we'll see you before that."  At that time, I'd been having some practice contractions randomly, but not often and not painful.  That Thursday was my last day of summer school, I was so happy to have been able to make it to everyday of that.  I took it real easy that last day of school.  I was having about 4 contractions an hour that morning at school.  I even sent Gavin a text message that he should maybe come home at lunch so I could lay down and I really thought that was going to be the night.  I laid around that afternoon and the contractions went away and Thursday night and Friday I felt great.

That Saturday, Gavin had a bachelor party for a good friend.  It was an all day thing and he had to be there, he planned it and was the best man.  Bayden and I were invited to go to a friend's lake place to spend the night, about an hour and a half away.  I couldn't decide if I should go or not.  It would be a fun day for Bayden, I would have lots of help with her, I wouldn't have to be home alone.  However, if something happened we wouldn't be close to a big hospital.  Finally, about 30 minutes before we had to leave, I decided to go.  We had a plan in place if I were to go into labor at the lake.

We had a great time at the lake.  Bayden got to play in the sand and water, go on a boat ride, a golf cart ride, play with other kids, and it was a great day.   I got to sit outside with my feet up while my friend and the older kids took care of and played with Bayden.  I had some more practice contractions, but nothing that made me nervous.

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling like I shouldn't push my luck anymore and was a little anxious to get home.  Bayden and I were gone about 24 hours that weekend.  We spent the rest of the day just hanging out.  That night, Bayden cried for me to put her to bed.  She never seems to want me or Gavin over the other and Gav puts her to bed more than I do because at that time it was getting hard for me to lift her into the crib.  Maybe she knew I was going to be gone a couple nights or that it was the last night she was my only baby.

I was irritated that night going to bed for no reason.  Just crabby and picking a fight, I can't even remember what about.  I woke up at 12:35 with my first contraction, this one hurt.  I went to the kitchen and wrote down the time and went to the bathroom.  They kept coming.  I circled the island in our kitchen as the contractions came every 5 to 7 minutes.  The books say to head to the hospital after an hour of this, but I called labor and delivery at 1:00.  A nurse told me to try and relax, get some sleep, maybe take a bath, call back in an hour if I was still having contractions.  I let Gavin know and grabbed a pillow to try and sleep on the couch.  I laid down for about 30 seconds.  Contractions kept coming and closer together.  At 1:30 I told Gavin to call his parents to come stay with Bayden and said I was calling back and was going in no matter what they said.  Contractions were painful and sometimes only 2 minutes apart.  I had also had some bleeding at this time.

Gavin's dad was here quickly, we grabbed our stuff, and were on our way.  It was a painful drive trying to sit still in the car.  Gavin went through one red light, "because I squaked" he later told a nurse.  After that light, I told Gavin, I was sure I was at 10 cm.  We parked at the emergency room door beings it was the middle of the night.  I walked in, pacing and in pain.  A cop was with someone talking to the only person working at the entrance.  Luckily a nurse walked up and said, "looks like you are not comfortable" beings the person in the ER didn't seem in a hurry to help me.   She took me up to the 6th floor through a back elevator and told Gavin to move the car and come right up.  I remember looking at my phone in the elevator at 2:10 with a contraction.

They got me right to a room at 2:11.  There were about 7 people in there opening equipment, getting ready, and asking me questions.  They handed me one of those bands to put on so they could get a monitor on me.  I danced around trying to get my pants off and that on all while telling them I needed to push.  One nurse found the heartbeat, while another checked me.  I was complete and ready to push.  Gavin and the doctor arrived.  Gavin said, "I guess you were right."  I pushed twice.  I did say to Gav during this time, "this hurts more than Bayden."   Henley was born at 2:22.  It was so wild and didn't even seem real because it happened so fast.

A nicu nurse came in for a few minutes to monitor her.  A lot of fluid had to be suctioned because she came so fast.  We didn't even have the camera, it was in the car.  Gavin went to get it and I held Henley while the nurse got me checked in and the doctor stitched me up, I had tore.  The nurse gave me a shot in my leg (beings I didn't have an IV for the pitocin) and an ibuprofen.

We called our parents and stared at Henley in disbelief, seemed like just 18 weeks ago that we found out we were pregnant.  Wait, that was just 18 weeks ago!

If I am ever pregnant again, I am going to the hospital with my first contraction, and not leaving town!

She's Here!

Well, she's been here for a month now actually!  Sorry for the delay in posts, 2 kids is busy.

Henley Claire arrived on August 4th at 2:22 am.  She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long.   A healthy baby and no nicu, just what we wanted.  It was weird to have her in the hospital room with us the entire time, bring her home with us the next day, and to not have monitor strapped to her.

We are all doing great and getting into a routine with 2.  Here are a few pictures and I will try and post the birth story tomorrow.  She made quite the arrival!

Bayden's first visit tot he hospital.  She wasn't thrilled!

Second visit, still not loving this sister stuff.  

Checking on baby Henley.

Sisters!

Poor Baby #2, Poor Baby #1, Poor Fur Baby

Gavin and I have said a few times during this pregnancy that this poor second baby has been neglected.  First of all we missed the first 18 weeks of pregnancy.  We still don't have a name picked out.  I've knitted 2 rows of a blanket.  We had nothing set up, except what we just left out of Bayden's, until 2 weeks ago when my mom was here to help with getting the newborn stuff back out.  I think this is common with the second child, but when we sometimes can't believe this is really happening, we are maybe worse!  Of course we have everything we need having another girl, so this baby will be just fine!

Yesterday driving home from my appointment for baby number 2, I teared up thinking about my baby at home.  Doctor checked me yesterday and said, "wow, baby is really low."  Kind of like that ultrasound, "wow, baby is bigger than 8 weeks."  I am 1.5 cm dilated and 90% effaced.  Could be any day.  When I said my next appointment is next Wednesday, she said, "we'll probably see you before then."  She didn't seem worried, I'll be 36 weeks tomorrow.  She is just happy I made it this far and said I've done great.

Of course we couldn't be happier about this little surprise about to make us a family of 4, I can't help but worry about Bayden.  We say, "where's the baby?" and she lifts up my shirt and pats my stomach.  It's so damn cute, but she has no idea what it means.  Things are about to be really different for her.  I know she will be great and adjust just fine, but she's been our everything the last 15 months.  She always will be our everything, but so will another little gal.  The thing I am most looking forward to is seeing her walk into the hospital room in her big sister t-shirt.  Which by the way, the smallest they make of those shirts is 2T.  I guess that's how long you are supposed to wait before having number 2!  Gavin already tells her not to worry, he'll give her lots of love when I have to be with the baby.  Plenty of love for both our girls!

Then, there is our very first baby.  Poor Benson.  He knows something is up, and he doesn't like it one bit.  He's been really anxious and needy lately.  He did get 5 years with just the three of us.  He's still adjusting to Bayden.  She loves him so much and wants to be his best friend, but he isn't into it.  He will tolerate a little petting, and then just gets up and walks away.  She gives him his tennis ball, brings him his toys, feeds him from her high chair, hugs, him, pets him, and goes to his leash and whines to take him outside (this is maybe more so she can go outside though).  He just isn't interested in her at all.  But we know he loves her in his own way, he will still go sleep on the chair in her room every once in awhile and always comes along when we put her down for a nap or bedtime.  He'll adjust too, but he's older and it won't come as easy to him.

Any day now!

Milestones

Yes, Bayden is growing, doing new things everyday, and meeting milestones.  This post is actually about some pretty exciting pregnancy milestones though.  I'm still pregnant!  I guess the doctor's were right to be acting casual and not worrying at my appointments.

About 2 and a half weeks ago, we met the milestone of passing Bayden's birth of 33 weeks 4 days.  It was such a good feeling.  We celebrated by dinner out and ordering a new grill.  Since then, I've been trying to enjoy each extra day and praying that we can avoid the nicu all together.  

Last Monday I started my weekly appointments.  Another mark I never made it to with Bayden.  Doc didn't check to see if I was dilated, just measured and listened to the heartbeat.  I have been measuring about 2 weeks ahead for the last 2 appointments.  All seemed good and again, she was real relaxed and not worried about a thing.  Next appointment she will check me.  

Tuesday was my last progesterone in oil shot.  I had enough for 1 more dose, but doc said I could stop.  Glad to be done with those.  I also saw the surgeon for my hernia.  I can't really feel it anymore because there isn't much room for things to be moving around anymore.  I will see him again about a week after the baby comes to schedule my surgery.  He was surprised I was still pregnant.

Wednesday marked 35 weeks.  While, I'm so excited to be this far, I'm starting to wonder how people go full term.  I never really got to the uncomfortable stage with Bayden.  This time, I'm there.  I can't sleep because my hips hurt, I'm up to pee about 5 times, and it's a ton of work to roll over and try and get comfortable.  I have a couple other not fun end of pregnancy things going on that I won't get into here!

Here are some pics.  The first are of last week, 35 weeks.  The next pics are of the weekend after our 3rd trimester ultrasound where we found out baby could be early.  Aren't Bayden and I growing!

 

Saying Good-bye

Turning one and becoming a toddler meant saying good-bye to a few of Bayden's favorite things.  It's possible that we were more attached to these than Bayden.

The week before her birthday, daycare let me know that they would start giving her smaller bottles because the day she's one, she's done with the bottle there.  It seemed so drastic, but I trusted them.  She wasn't their first baby.  We decided to continue the night time bottle at home until she had her 1 year check up.  Of course nicu mom brain was thinking "I hate to just rip all these calories away from her."  One night while giving her the bed time bottle, Gavin said, "I can't imagine not giving this to her, it makes her so happy before bed."  The Monday after her birthday, no bottle at daycare.  They said she cried when she saw the other babies getting their bottles and they would give her a sippy cup and distract her and she'd be fine.  The next day, she didn't seem to notice.  About a week later, we went in for her check up and I asked the doctor about the bottle.  He said go ahead and use up what formula we had left, but then be done.  You are more attached to it than she is and she doesn't need it.  He said to give her a sippy of a little milk and a snack instead and she'll be fine.  We probably had a week left of formula and then we kept our same routine except instead of making a bottle to bring downstairs, I brought her milk and a snack.  Didn't even phase her and we did just fine too!

The next thing was the pacifier.  She only had it at nap and at bed time, but she went to bed so good, we were scared.  We decided to wait until I was out of school in case it meant a couple rough nights.  Part of me thought just let her keep it beings it was only in her crib, but I could see her loving it a little more each day.  If we were in her room and she saw it in her crib, she would try and reach for it.  Then there is the issue of another baby coming.  I didn't want her taking the baby's pacifier.  So, one Thursday night in mid June, I put her to bed without it.  She knew right away.  I had done the usual, turned on her sound machine and music, laid her down, and covered her up, but no paci.  She looked so sad, but I had to stay strong and stepped out.  I let her cry of 10 minutes and then went to try and rock her.  She wanted nothing to do with me.  I laid her back down and left.  After another 30 minutes (while I searched online for taking paci's away) I went to try and rock her again.  This time she cuddled up and fell asleep instantly.  I laid her down.  She was up about an hour and a half later, I rubbed her back and she fell back asleep for the rest of the night.  Night 2 was a little better, but she woke up at 11:00 screaming and it didn't seem like it was for her paci.  We gave her some motrin and Gavin rocked her.  The next day, she had her mouth wide open for some ice cream and we noticed a big new tooth in the back.  Sorry baby!  It took 4 nights, but now she goes down great and sleeps all night.  I suppose she'll still recognize them when the baby comes, but she is so much cuter without a paci in her mouth!

So, Bayden is ready to be a big sister!  Not for another 7 weeks though!

I Guess We Aren't "Really Worried"

We had our 30 week appointment (a week and a half ago).  I went in assuming I would get more specific instructions for "taking it easy" and getting the steroid shots set up.  Doctor was really casual, like I was just a regular pregnant gal in the third trimester.  I asked about the steroid shots and she said, "No, that would only be if we are really worried."  I thought we were really worried....

She did check me again, which surprised me too.  She said that as long as she is gentle there is no harm in checking again so that I would feel better.  At that time, I was 50 % thinned, but still not dilated.  So, good news.  She seemed to think my taking it easy was fine and there was no need to change anything.

When I was in last week for my progesterone shot I mentioned to the nurse that I thought I may have an infection.  The doctor checked for that and I guess beings she was in the area, checked me to see if there were any changes.  I was still not dilated and no infection, so more good news.

I'm thinking that after my emotional days while Bayden was in the NICU when a doctor opens my chart on the computer they see red flashing messages that say things like:

* CAUTION!  WARNING!  BE CAREFUL!

*  Only tell her good news, especially if she is alone!

*  She WILL cry!

*  Contact husband for any serious conversations!  Until he arrives, act like everything is fine!

So, I am trying not to worry and trust the doctors.  I still try and take it easy whenever I can.  I started teaching summer school last week and the staff in my room are great and help me out so that I can sit as much as possible.  I will be 32 weeks tomorrow.  I really hope to make it through July.  I have let go of my dreams of being over due.

Baby #2 is still quite active and must be growing.  Bayden and I each were told by 2 people last weekend how much we are both growing.  It's cute for her that she is plumping up, but I don't love to hear it about myself.  When I told someone my due date, but briefly explained that I will probably go early, she said, "yeah you don't look like you'll go that long."  Someone else asked me if I'm starting to wonder if I can get any bigger.

When I show Bayden my belly now and say "baby" she points or hits and says, "baby."  It's so cute!  Too bad she doesn't have any idea what it means.

I still feel pretty good, but sleep is hard.  My hips kill me during the night and it's hard to keep switching positions.  What if I get even bigger?!

Next appointment is Monday, hopefully more good news of things staying the same!

End of the 2nd and into 3rd

Man, pregnancy sure goes fast when you find out half way through!  I'm feeling great, but I guess that doesn't mean much when I'm pregnant.  At about 24 weeks, I was in for my weekly progesterone shot and mentioned a lump to the nurse.  I had been having a lump appear off and on by my pubic bone.  It wasn't painful, but was tender.  She asked the doctor to come in and look at it.  She checked it out and figured in was a hernia, but referred me to general surgeon just to be sure.  I guess beings the OB was seeing me that day and my pants were off to check this hernia, she decided to check me.  I wasn't expecting it, but was happy to find out that everything was closed up and nothing happening.  I went to see the general surgeon the next day and found out I do have a hernia and will have to have surgery after the baby arrives.  At first I looked at it as, "why can't I just have a normal pregnancy?"  Now, I'm trying to view it as a way to get a few more weeks off of work.  It's a simple surgery and we have plenty of family and friends who will help us out when we need it.

At 28 weeks, we had an ultrasound to make sure everything was going well.  We were excited to have another look at the baby.  Baby looks great and growing well.  Then, they checked my cervix.  Which they couldn't even measure doing an ultrasound on my stomach because baby is so low.  From a transvaginal ultrasound, we found out my cervix is already shortening.  It should be measuring at least 3 up until 40 weeks, mine was measuring 1.8.  I saw the doctor after that who said bed rest would be drastic, but I should be taking it easy, laying down about half my day.  He checked me also and said my cervix was soft, but not dialated yet.  At that time, I had 1 day of work left so that was good.  That also meant 1 more day of daycare and Bayden and I will be home alone.  Not exactly easy to lay around all day with a busy 1 year old at home.  The doctor figures this same thing happened with Bayden.  I was just born with a weak cervix.  Could I have been born with anything else wrong with my female parts?  I'm already getting the shots, so there isn't anything else to do.

That night I was really disappointed.  Feeling sorry for myself and mad that I can't just have a normal pregnancy.  Feeling jealous of all the moms that have full term babies right there in the hospital room and come home after 2 days.  Worrying about bed rest and the nicu again.  Most of all, I was feeling guilty and worried for Bayden.  I was planning a fun summer for us:  walking to the park, going to the pool, the zoo, etc.  Now, we're going to be staying in and I'm trying to not lift her up.  It made me so sad to think about having another baby in the nicu, what would Bayden do then?  What about her if I do have to do bed rest?

I've been trying to take it easy, but it is hard when I feel fine.  We stay home most days.  She likes to play outside on the deck where we set up a little pool for her.  Whenever daddy is home or someone else is around, I don't pick her up.  When she naps, I lay around or nap too.
We go in today for our 30 week appointment.  I'm guessing they won't check me again so I'm not sure we will have any other news today.  All we can do is keep praying this baby stays put for as long as possible.

Besides all this, I feel good.  Heartburn sometimes.  Still not having any swelling like I did with Bayden.  Sleeping is a little uncomfortable so I'm up a lot during the night.  My weight gain is about the same as with Bayden, but without the swelling, I'm feeling a lot bigger and people tell me that too!  I know this would make a lot of pregnant gals mad, but I'm so happy to be pregnant, I even like to hear this.

Thanks for checking in!

baby #2 28 weeks

One Year Old

Back in April Bayden turned 1!  Not sure what my excuse is for not blogging so long, so I'll just get to some updates.  I'm sorry for being gone so long and thanks for still checking in.

1 yesr old.  Sometimes we still can't believe we have Bayden so it's crazy that she is 1 and going to be a big sister.  Her birthday fell on Easter weekend this year.  On her actual birthday, we visited the nicu to say hi.  It wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be because the nurses who worked with her the most weren't working.  We saw a few people though and left a card and treats.  Bayden went to a few hours of daycare to celebrate with her friends and so I could get some final things done for her party.  That night we went out to supper and Bayden got her first kids meal off the menu and some ice cream.

Saturday, family arrived to celebrate.  We served her favorite meal - sandwiches.  She was spoiled with clothes, toys, and lots of love.  She loved her cupcake!

Sunday was Easter and we made it through church with her 4 cousins.  It really was an Easter miracle.  My dad said on our way to church, "If we make it through this, we can do anything."

At 1 year old, Bayden is still small - 18 pounds 11 ounces and 27 3/4 in. long.  If you saw her eat, you would never believe it.  She loves to eat (she got this from me somehow)!  We love that she isn't picky either.  She eats whatever we get her.  She started walking 2 weeks after her birthday.  She babbles like crazy, but not much makes sense besides "hi."   Her doctor says she is all caught up though for being a preemie.  We remember all that she went through coming early, but to everyone else, she is just another toddler.  She is such a happy and fun little girl.   She is very social and loves to meet new people and have them hold her.  She goes to everyone.  Sometime we will have to work on stranger danger, but for now it makes a lot of people's day to hold a cute little red head!  

She has made us so happy this year and we couldn't imagine life without her.

washing off the cupcake

First Easter

So big!

Full Term Baby

This time around, our goal is for a full term baby.  My real dream is to be over due this time around to get a few days of school in at the beginning of the year.  We'll see if I'm still saying this mid-August.  I never did get to the miserable stage with my pregnancy with Bayden so I don't really know what I'm talking about.  We just want to avoid the nicu and all the stress that went with a preemie in the beginning.

So, here is the plan for keeping this little surprise cooking for as long as possible.

At our first doctor appointment last week, our doctor discussed some of our plan with us and then also said she would discuss our "case" at their high risk pregnancy meeting with the other doctors.  I like to think about a room of doctor's making a plan for us!

Today, I had my first progesterone shot.  I will see a nurse every Tuesday until mid July for this shot.  These should have started around 16 weeks, but you know I didn't know I was pregnant back then.  I'm not sure why I have to go in for this when we are quite familiar with these.  With Bayden, I had this shot every night for 12 weeks at home.  This is how it works though in these natural pregnancies I guess.

Weekly monitoring will start once I get to the 3rd trimester.

I will have at least one more ultrasound to check on my cervix and make sure nothing is happening too early.

The paraprofessionals in my classroom are worried that Bayden came early because I was still doing some lifting at school.  They have set some strict rules, no more lifting.

Hopefully this plan helps this little one stay put for as long as possible.  Bayden and our surprise will be close enough in age!

We're One of "Those" Couples

I've read about them on other blogs and I've heard stories from friends and family.  We've talked and dreamed about it happening, but never thought it really would for us.  Of course if it did happen for us, it would be years from now we thought.

It happened.  We are one of those couples that gets pregnant on their own after years of infertility.

Go back and read it again, it's real!  We're pregnant!  Now, here is the really embarrassing story that explains a few of my past posts including my recent weight gain and milk supply that disappeared.

I wrote about my weight gain on here a little while ago.  What I didn't write was that my husband was noticing this weight gain too.  For over a month, he would ask me every couple days.  He would say things like "do you think you could be pregnant?"  "this isn't just normal weight gain."  To which I would respond "it's time to accept this as my body after having a baby" "I'm not wasting money on a pregnancy test"  "it's more likely a stomach tumor."  In the past 5 years, I've seen enough negative pregnancy test, I didn't need to see another one.

Finally, on March 25th, I bought one.  I still knew it would be negative, but wanted to shut him up.  I took it the next morning before work.  Right away, there was a plus sign.  "Oh shit" were my first words.  Not because it was bad news, just because it was a big surprise.  Gav asked what I was going to do (meaning about calling the doctor).  I said I want to keep it!  On my way to work I called to get in for blood work, explaining that I had no idea how far along I was.  They asked when my last period was and it was before we did IVF, August 2012.  I went in for blood work later that morning.  A nurse called that afternoon saying my numbers looked good and they would see me the next week for an ultrasound to find out how far along I was.  She guessed by my numbers that I was 7 or 8 weeks.

We spent the rest of the week in total shock.  Gavin got busy crunching the numbers right away, worrying about daycare costs and working the budget.  I got busy enjoying some extra treats and not sucking in my stomach.

On April 4th we went in for an ultrasound.  She explained that beings they thought I was about 8 weeks, we would do a trans-vaginal ultrasound (how I missed that wand) to get better measurements and a due date.  We were hoping to see a heart beat that day and just hear that everything was ok.  After about 20 seconds with the wand, the tech said, "so the baby is bigger than 8 weeks, I'm going to take this out."  We told her that we thought we were a little farther along, we were thinking 12-13 weeks. I also said how I would be really embarrassed if we were far enough to find out the gender.   She moved to my belly for the ultrasound.

The next thing you know, we are seeing everything:  the spine, the brain, the kidneys, the stomach, face, arms, legs, everything.  This baby is bigger than 13 weeks.  It was so embarrassing.  You would think after all I've been through, I would know my body better.  We just kept laughing and telling her that we didn't think this could happen.  Our first baby cost over $60,00, took an egg donor and 5 years, this can't be real.  The ultrasound turned out to be our big ultrasound and measurements put us at 19 weeks 2 days, due date August 27th.  She was able to find out the gender - it's a girl!  She felt bad that she couldn't get many good pictures as our little surprise was moving around or covering parts most of the time.  We told her that was fine, this ultrasound would be memorable enough.

We went upstairs to see a nurse and schedule more appointments.  I didn't get scolded like I thought I would about missing out on the first half of pregnancy.  Especially when they see our fertility history.

Now, we are over 20 weeks and still a little in shock, but couldn't be happier.  We are so happy Bayden will have that sibling we never thought we could give her.

I will leave you with a few pictures.  There is more to the story - family and friends responses and a plan for keeping this one on the inside longer, so check back again.

20 weeks

We will call this one our little surprise

a little crowded where she is sitting right now

11 months

Almost 1 year old.  We can't believe how fast this year has gone.  Here is an update and picture from the past month.

Bayden is cruising around the furniture and pushing her little walker around, but no steps all on her own yet.  It could be any day or it could be awhile beings she can crawl so fast.  She is standing all by herself for up to a minute.  This started about a week and a half ago.  She would stand by the coffee table and bounce to gear up, and then let go.

She eats like crazy still.  Her favorite is still meat, but some other favorites lately are melon, tomatoes, and cheese.  She's gotten to taste some treats the past month at a few birthday parties.  I think she will lick her high chair clean on her birthday.  She still gets 3 bottles a day.  Daycare is all business and no more bottles the day she turns one.  I am going to keep the night time one until we see her doctor the next week.  It seems like so many calories to take away from her.  The nicu is still in my head on this!

She is the best sleeper still.  We hope this never goes away.  She goes to bed around 8:00 after a bottle.  We turn her music on and set her in her crib and she puts herself to sleep.

She loves to bounce (it's her new dance move), give kisses (real and by blowing them), teasing Benson (dog), clapping, being held, music, and stroller rides now that we've finally had a few warmer days.

Pictures

I got some of the pictures onto my computer to share with you.  Still working on the 9 month pics.  Here is our trip to Nevada and 10 months old.  

With grandma & grandpa and their friends.

Wasn't too sure about the grass.

Loved the pool!

Us on the strip, if you can see us!

Special drink!

Finally slept on the plane ride home.

Saying good bye to her monitor and other equipment we didn't ever use.

A little harder to get these pictures now.  She is always moving!

Time for Some Changes

It is amazing how a body changes with pregnancy.  I didn't even know what heart burn was and I remember doing an online search to figure it out before I even knew I was pregnant.  Then, the day I had Bayden, I remember thinking it was weird I hadn't had any tums that day.  I haven't had heart burn since the day before she was born.  I don't think I shed a single hair while I was pregnant, then when Bayden was about 6 weeks old, it was coming out in clumps.  Now I have all these short hairs growing back, if I didn't already have bangs I would have had to get them to cover up my thinning spots.  It would sure be nice if everything went back to how it was as fast as the heart burn thing.  My friends all warned me how somethings become smaller, some bigger, and other things are just in different places after pregnancy.  But you never really know what that will look like on your own body.  I was back to my pre pregnancy weight (I don't remember when), things were different, but I was okay with my body.  Then, I stopped breast feeding.  I didn't stop eating whatever I wanted though and have gained a few pounds back that have all went to my stomach making me look about 4 months pregnant again.  I ate whatever I wanted for about a year and half and I'm struggling to find time to exercise.  By the time I'm home from work, that gives us about 3 hours for supper, playing, bath, and then it's bed time.  Then, hubby and I like to hang out and watch some shows.

Last weekend, we got the treadmill set up and a TV hung by it.  I signed up for a 10 K and found a training plan.  I ran 3 times last week.  I'm still having trouble changing some eating habits that I know need to change, but hopefully I will get there.

My goals are:  drink more water, say no to treats at work, portion control, to look good for a wedding in April, train and run a 10 K in May, walk with the dog and Bayden once it gets nice out, look better for a wedding in June, be able to wear a swimming suit this summer, and run a half in October.

If only it all came off as fast as my hair did!

Months 9 and 10

We will have an 11 month old in a few days and I am just finally posting about months 9 and 10.  I guess we have been as busy as our little gal is!  This is such a fun age and she is growing up so fast.

9 months:  At about 9 1/2 months, Bayden started crawling forward.  It was the dog's toy that she first crawled to.  A few days later, on super bowl Sunday, she started pulling herself up on furniture to stand up.  At her 9 month appointment, she weighed in at 16 pounds.  Still tiny.  You wouldn't think that watching her eat, she loves to eat.  We know she won't be a vegetarian, her favorite food is meat, especially deli meat.  She loves daycare and they tell me that she loves art time and really gets into her projects!  She took her first trip on an airplane at nine months.  She was a great traveler and enjoyed seeing her grandparents, swimming, and the warmer weather.  She was a very friendly passenger and jumped into the arms of 3 nice people on the airplane rides.  It was also at this time that she discovered how her wrists can move and that she could twirl things with them.  She was doing that all the time.  

10  months:  At 10 months, Bayden started walking around furniture.  This is also when she started to dance!  It is the cutest thing.  Whenever one of her toys starts playing music, she hears something on tv, or her daddy starts singing (I won't embarrass him and share the song here); she starts bouncing with a big smile because she knows how cute it must be.  Sometimes her arms go up too if she's really into it.  She is also trying to copy our actions and noises.  She has discovered pointing and uses her little pointer fingers to point at everything and nothing, also very cute.  At her 10 month appointment she weighed 16 pounds 7 ounces.  She finally had her last appointment with the nicu doctor at 10 months because he finally discontinued the apnea monitor!  It was an exciting day.  She now has more pajama options than just snaps to let her cords through and she can also have lotion all over instead of avoiding where her belt was and the little sore spots from the belt rubbing are gone too.  I asked if he ever had a baby on a monitor as long and he said 6 months was the longest and that was a rare situation.....  Not sure what took our little one so long, but she is healthy and happy so that's all that matters.  We are pretty sure she has broken a couple records in her young life:  longest nicu stay for a 33 weeker and longest time a baby was on an apnea monitor.  While she still loves for anyone to hold her, now she likes to look around for awhile first.  Once she is comfortable though, she reaches to anyone who talks to her.  A lot of people talk to her when we are out and about, usually it's about her hair!  She went to her first college hockey game at 10 months.  She didn't enjoy it as much because of her top teeth coming in (she has 4 teeth now) and a cold.  She enjoyed her last breast milk bottle last week and is now on 3 or 4 formula bottles and regular food each day.

I have some cute pics of saying goodbye to the monitor, our trip, and months 9 and 10, but I'm having trouble getting them on the computer for some reason.  I will work on it and try again later.  Thanks for checking in!

Part 2

Gav didn't think anyone would read my ridiculously long post about breastfeeding, but I actually did have a few readers and a few comments on here and from friends.  Only one negative comment, I guess there should have been a warning about the pictures at the end.....  didn't know my brother was such a faithful reader!  Anyways, I forgot just a few things so I wanted to add them, also so I don't forget.

The nipple shield:  My  mom called it my "extender."  Ha!  When Bay was around 3 months old, we went to spend the day at my sister's house with her and the babies and my mom.  We spent the day just feeding, changing, and holding babies per usual last summer.  At one point we must have been bored because while nursing, I decided to take the shield off just so we could all laugh at Bayden not knowing what to do with that strange thing in her face.  It was funny.  To my surprise, she latched right on and we were able to throw the extender out.

It gets so much easier:  Nursing a newborn is hard work, but it will pay off later.  When Bayden was older and stronger it was so much easier.  She could hold her head up and find things on her own.  She just needed to be handed to me and she just found everything she needed and became a very efficient eater.  No more holding my boob or holding her head, I could just sit there and look at my phone or watch tv.  Until she was older and more easily distracted, then I had to keep her on task.  It also means less packing in the diaper bag.  We could be gone all day and I didn't have to bring bottles or the pump, she just needed me.

Nursing around other people:  I always thought I would nurse in her nursery or a separate room if we were around other people.  I guess I assumed it took about 5 minutes.  When I realized how long a baby nurses, I quickly decided I wasn't going to go sit by myself for that long.  I hate missing out on things.  No one seemed to mind!  Towards the end, when she was so easily distracted, we did have to go somewhere quiet so she could concentrate.

All done:  I ended up getting the stomach flu last Tuesday after work.  I was too sick to even try and pump.  It crossed my mind because I wanted her to have that milk to fight off the flu herself, but I was too tired and weak if I wasn't puking.  I ended up pumping once just because I was uncomfortable, but my body was just done.  My plan for waiting until our trip didn't work, but she wasn't wanting to even nurse in the mornings before I got sick.  I still miss it, but I don't miss pumping at all!

This One's for the Girls

Our journey with breastfeeding.  It's a long one (took my entire snow day to write)!

When I was pregnant, people would ask if I plan to breastfeed.  I would always say something like, "hopefully" or "if it works out."  I think this was a way to not put a lot of pressure on myself, but of course that was my hope and plan.  I was signed up for a breastfeeding class, but didn't make it beings Bayden came early.  The only thing I had done to prepare for nursing before she was born was stopped at the medical supply store to ask about the process of getting a pump and bought 1 nursing bra.  

Bayden was born at 1:07 pm and a lactation nurse came to my room with a medical grade pump and supplies in the early evening.  She showed me how to hook everything up and wrote a couple schedules that I could choose from on the board in my room.  She said I should pump at least 8 times in 24 hours for about 10 -15 minutes.  I gave it a try and was thinking it would hurt, so was happy when it didn't.  The same nurse stopped back in later and I said that nothing was happening.  She said I could also try to manually and she gave my nipple a good squeeze to show me what to do and catch the colostrum in plastic spoons that she brought me.  I continued to hook things up and try with the spoons every couple hours around all of our visitors the next day.  Nothing happened.  

I was discharged Saturday at noon.  Gavin had gone to pick up a hospital grade pump that we had prescription for as long as B was in the nicu.  They sent me with little syringes to bring the colostrum to her in the nicu.  The first drops I got came early Sunday morning.  I was so excited to pull it up into the syringes.  We were going to be going to the hospital to have breakfast with my sister who was still on hospital bed-rest.  First my brother dropped me off at Bayden's hospital so I could see her and drop off the 2 syringes.  I was so proud.  This continued until Monday night.  I wasn't getting anything anymore and the girls were huge, red, and hurting.  

Tuesday morning, I showed a lactation nurse in the nicu what was going on.  I had a lot of milk and it needed to come out.  She said to pump every 2 hours for at least 24 hours and do lots of massaging.  It worked, my milk was in.  I remember pumping that night on the couch saying, "Gav look, it's spraying!"  Then, I was a pumping machine.  I pumped at Bayden's bedside, in the nicu pumping room, in my sister's hospital room, at home, where ever I needed to.  I set an alarm every 3 hours during the night to pump.  I brought bottles to the nicu and some I froze at home.  I wrote every session down in the pages the nurse gave me.  It was the one thing I could do for Bayden when I couldn't be with her.  

Now I was just waiting for the go ahead to try breastfeeding.  I remember the day we were supposed to get to try in the afternoon.  That morning Bayden had needed blow by oxygen and the occupational therapist (she made feeding decisions) said, "You won't be able to breast feed today if she can't even keep her stats up being held."  She probably said it nicer, but this is what I heard, and I cried.  It was probably a few days later that we tried for the first time.  A lactation nurse was there and Gavin too.  I strapped on my breast-friend and Bayden was just in her diaper for the skin to skin.  She didn't know what to do with my nipple.  A foreign object after weeks of bottles and tube feedings.  The lactation nurse gave me a nipple shield and she latched on right away and fell asleep.  The nurse said to do massage to bring my milk down and motivate her to suck.  I massaged and massaged and then we heard 1 big swallow.  And that was it for our first attempt.  We continued to try once a day and she got better and better, but still followed with a bottle.  When she came home she was nursing twice a day so that's what we did at home too.  

Our clinic/hospital has a breast feeding support group (I called it our breast feeding club).  We went once or twice a week last summer.  I could get her weighed before and after nursing to see how she was doing and the nurses answered questions.  The first time we went, Bayden and I were quite the sight.  First, someone asked about her monitor of course.  Then, I pull out a nipple shield and got another question.  Then, I had to warn the other moms that Bayden is a loud eater.  One mom said she sounded like a goose honking while she ate.  At least it broke the ice in this awkward circle of breastfeeding moms, thanks Bayden!  

She was also still doing 2 bottles of high calorie formula a day.  At her 2 month appointment the doc said to do 4 bottles to help her gain more weight.  I ordered a case of the formula in the parking lot from my phone, thinking about just throwing in the towel.  Then, I drove over to out BF club and the lactation nurses were so encouraging.  They said give 4 bottles of formula for awhile, keep pumping, keep freezing it, keep nursing, you're doing so great.  In that parking lot, I cancelled my case of formula and went to the store and bought just one can and haven't bought more.

I continued to be scared that she wasn't getting enough and nursed a couple times during the day, but always did a bottle during the night and then pumped.  The nicu trains moms to be scared that their babies aren't getting enough to eat.  I remember being home at my parents and shopping and then going to my grandma's so my sister and I could feed the babies.  Bayden had gone like 4 hours since eating, sleeping away in her stroller.  I breastfed and my boobs still felt so full and Bayden didn't eat as long as she usually did.  In a panic that she was going to starve to death, I had my mom make a formula bottle from my sister's stuff.  Bayden didn't want it, but I kept shoving it at her until she had projectile spit up all over the place.  Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson and this happened a couple more times, damn nicu.

In August, we were invited to spend the weekend at the lake with some friends.  I decided that I was not going to waste my chance to enjoy the lake by being in the house pumping all weekend.  I brought my pump, but Bayden only nursed the entire weekend.  I pumped a couple times when I was feeling full.  The first night wasn't fun because she woke up more often, but it only took the one night and she learned that I meant business.  From that weekend on, if I was around, she nursed.  Gradually, I pumped less often because I wasn't feeling overly full anymore.  She was happy, growing, and sleeping through the night, and I loved that time with her.  

When I went back to work, I pumped twice a day and then nursed in the morning, evening, and on weekends.  As the months have gone on, my supply pumping has gradually gone down, but I'd read that as long as baby was content and sleeping, she was getting more than the pump.

About a month ago, Bayden didn't nurse well before bed because she was so tired so I decided to pump before I went to bed.  To my surprise, I barely got anything.  I called Gavin, who was in the locker room at his hockey game, crying that my milk was gone.  I was so sad.  I just wasn't ready to be done and it felt so out of my control and sudden.  He talked me down and said he would take a picture of her nursing because I was sad we never did that.  Just one thing I was crying about. The next morning I called a lactation nurse and she said to add some pumping sessions in and I got some more milk vitamins and decided I would try to build my supply until Christmas and then go back to the breastfeeding club over Christmas break.  I'd read online to have her nurse more often.  I found out quickly that this would not work, if I tried to get her to latch when she wasn't hungry, she bit.

By Christmas my supply was still really low and Bayden was now waking up during the night for a snack.  Bayden was quite the character at breastfeeding club when we went back:  reaching out for the nurse to hold her, waving to other moms across the circle, giggling and playing with my hair while I tried to nurse her there.  It was so funny.  It was like she thought she was the big girl now and didn't need to be coming here with all the newborns.   The nurses were helpful and said that she still benefits from it, even if I have to give bottles of breast milk too (I still have lots frozen).  They encouraged me to keep trying to build my supply.  

I've tried, but nothing is working.  She nurses in the morning now, but that's the only time she does for very long.  Other than that it's bottles except she will to fall asleep for a couple minutes.   I've now decided to keep at it until the beginning of February when Bayden and I are flying to visit my parents in NV.  I'm not going to pack my pump and spend our vacation sitting in a room doing that 6 times a day and washing all that crap.  We're going to enjoy our trip.  If she wants to nurse, I will nurse.  If she won't and my milk is gone, I'll be okay with that too.  I've loved this time nursing her and I'm glad I put in the work to go this long (she will be 9 months Saturday), but I'll be okay if it's time to stop.  Not saying I won't cry a little more.  

It's a little harder to take pictures of an 8 and a half month old nursing than a newborn.  I'd give anything for pictures when she was younger.  Here, she is just looking for daddy.  We have a bunch of her sleeping on dad's chest, but he never thought to take one of me.  I guess that's another post though.

Oh January

I think January is a hard month for an infertile.  It was always a time to think about how the year before did not bring a baby and to start thinking about treatments for the next year.  While everyone else is making the normal new year's resolutions about exercise, mine were always a little different.  

This year I.....

will accept pregnancy announcements better.

will stop doing on-line research to the point of being obsessive.  

will be more calm during treatments.

will not be such an emotional wreck.

But mostly, it was just:  this year infertility will not make me a crazy person.  

I never did very well with these resolutions.  Each year was just as hard as the year before and infertility made me a crazy person.  

January is also a difficult month because it is the anniversary of loss that infertility has brought us.  

Our first IVF was done right around the holidays.  I wish we would have never planned it for this time of the year, but at the time I was all about the soonest cycle.  I remember being right in the middle of meds on new year's eve.  We were getting ready to go out and I was crying because I couldn't find anything to wear.  My boobs were huge and I was so bloated from meds, nothing fit right.  There was a blizzard that January and school was called off.  Thankfully, I would be at home for the phone call.  I made it through the storm to the clinic for my blood work and then went home to try and relax until the phone call.  I was in the basement watching a movie and working on a puzzle when the nurse called.  The pregnancy test was negative.  I could stop all meds.  She was so sorry for us.  We could call when we were ready to try again. I cried and called Gavin at work.  He came home and we just laid around and cried all day.

January is also the month of our due date the time we were pregnant on our own.  Our miracle pregnancy.  That baby was due in the middle of January, one month before our nephew.  This baby would be 3 years old this month.  This miscarriage was hard, but I've grieved and I mostly think about this little one in January.  

This year, while infertility is still on my mind, not to the point where I'm making new year's resolutions about it.  This year I just want to be the best mom and take in every moment as our family of 3. 

Happy New Year everyone!