Monday, January 6, 2014

Oh January

I think January is a hard month for an infertile.  It was always a time to think about how the year before did not bring a baby and to start thinking about treatments for the next year.  While everyone else is making the normal new year's resolutions about exercise, mine were always a little different.  

This year I.....

will accept pregnancy announcements better.

will stop doing on-line research to the point of being obsessive.  

will be more calm during treatments.

will not be such an emotional wreck.

But mostly, it was just:  this year infertility will not make me a crazy person.  

I never did very well with these resolutions.  Each year was just as hard as the year before and infertility made me a crazy person.  

January is also a difficult month because it is the anniversary of loss that infertility has brought us.  

Our first IVF was done right around the holidays.  I wish we would have never planned it for this time of the year, but at the time I was all about the soonest cycle.  I remember being right in the middle of meds on new year's eve.  We were getting ready to go out and I was crying because I couldn't find anything to wear.  My boobs were huge and I was so bloated from meds, nothing fit right.  There was a blizzard that January and school was called off.  Thankfully, I would be at home for the phone call.  I made it through the storm to the clinic for my blood work and then went home to try and relax until the phone call.  I was in the basement watching a movie and working on a puzzle when the nurse called.  The pregnancy test was negative.  I could stop all meds.  She was so sorry for us.  We could call when we were ready to try again. I cried and called Gavin at work.  He came home and we just laid around and cried all day.

January is also the month of our due date the time we were pregnant on our own.  Our miracle pregnancy.  That baby was due in the middle of January, one month before our nephew.  This baby would be 3 years old this month.  This miscarriage was hard, but I've grieved and I mostly think about this little one in January.  

This year, while infertility is still on my mind, not to the point where I'm making new year's resolutions about it.  This year I just want to be the best mom and take in every moment as our family of 3. 

Happy New Year everyone! 

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