Transfer Day & Thank You

Yesterday was our IVF transfer with our donor eggs.  We arrived to the clinic at 7:45 to check in.  I took my ibuprofen there and the embryologist went over the how the embryos were doing with us.  Donna had 11 eggs, 9 of those were mature enough to fertilize, 8 fertilized, 2 didn't make it to 5 days, leaving us with 6.  Two of those made it to 5-day blastocysts, and 4 were still growing and can hopefully be frozen today.  They recommended transferring the 2 blastocysts (graded 3BB and 5BB) as long as we understood the chances for twins.  They were very clear that there is a no return policy!  I cried when she was going over everything with us.  That's the moment when things were feeling very real, our babies.  I dressed and got ready and waited a bit for the doctor.  He went over the process and said they are beautiful embryos, and I got into position.  He first looked and took measurements of my uterus and lining.  Lining was thick and I have a 3 stripe pattern that they look for and said that the meds are working.  He asked Gav if he's been giving the meds and we told him the story about the rest stop the night before.  He hadn't heard that one before!  Then, he puts in the cathedar and waits for the embryologist to bring in the babies in.  They waited until cramping was gone for me, and in they went!  Everything went smoothly.  I cried again and the doctor said he is optimistic, but we need to keep our guard up.  He is so honest and understanding of what we've been through.  That's what I like about him, he acknowledges that it hasn't been easy making the decisions to bring us to this and he says it.

We went back to our hotel and laid around and rested for awhile.  Instructions are to take it easy for 2 days.  Then, we went to meet my bff for lunch because she happened to be in town for a wedding.  Gavin realized on our way to lunch that he lost his wallet.  We're hoping that is our bad luck for the trip.  After lunch we headed for home and got back around 6:30.  Cramping was gone around 7:00, but was feeling tired and rested for awhile.  We went to our friends' who live right behind us for a bonfire last night.  I came home after about an hour, Gavin stayed late as he hasn't been able to party for awhile!

So that was our day.  Now, it's the hard part, waiting.   When we did IVF in 2010 on our own, I was a wreck.  We try to forget about that time.  For example, I remember crying on New Year's because I couldn't find anything to wear.  By crying I don't just mean a few tears, I was a wreck, we barely made it out.  I'm hoping this time will be different.  Other things in life are so hopefully that helps.  The last time was around the holidays, we were keeping it a secret, I was younger, it was rushed, etc.  It doesn't help that I'm all jacked up on hormones though.

I think I will take a break from the blog during this time, unless I have something else non-fertility to share.

Now, for thanking all of you, my family and closest friends, and maybe a few readers I don't know.  I had no idea when I started this blog and being more open about our plans, how much support and love it would bring our way.  Thank you for the text messages, phone calls, emails, cards, "coded" facebook messages, gift cards, inspirational gifts, trips for ice cream, wine nights on the deck, and prayers.  It's getting us through and we know however things turn out, you will all still be here to get us through again.  We do feel a part of our life is missing without children; but we do know how blessed we are.  THANK YOU!

Always, Sarah

Trust

Well the doctor and nurses are forcing me to trust them.  Today I had a message saying that the embryos are "looking good."  Why can't I know how many eggs they retrieved and how many embryos are still growing?  I want more information!  At least I know something is going on, and knowing wouldn't change anything, I guess.  Maybe it would just give me more anxiety to know, so I'll move on.  I also keep thinking that the other clinic told us everyday how the embryos were doing, and well; they sucked.  So this has to be the better way.

We will get full report cards on Friday at our transfer as far as how many there are and how good they look.  This is when we will decide how many to transfer.

I also need to really trust my husband right now.  Trust him with a 1.5 inch needle to my ass every night for the next few weeks.  Last night he had a training session with my mother-in-law, she's a PA.  It is handy living here I guess!  Tonight, he's trying on his own!

Thanks for checking in!

Trip #1

Our trip to the cities for Gav's turn was quick, no pun!  He had to work for a couple hours Saturday morning and then had a golf tournament for work.  We didn't leave until about 6:30 and arrived at a friend's house around 10:00.  We hung out for awhile even though it was a really early morning.  

We were up by 5:15 this morning.  I was asking if Gav was excited to give it to Donna on the way there!  This is the only time I will allow this cheating business.  You do know it doesn't happen like that right?  It doesn't really count as cheating if it happens in a petri dish is how we feel.  I guess it was a little early for my humor, because I was the only one giggling!  We were on the road for home right after, because what were we going to do before 7 am?  When we got home, we tried to take a nap and then went and had lunch and watch football.   We toasted our bloody mary's to "my only bloody mary of this football season," hopefully!

I've checked the message system to see if there was a report for Donnna, but no news.  I'm guessing she was in an hour or 2 after Gavin. During that hour or 2, his sperm was washed and spun and the good guys picked out.  She would have been put under for the eggs to be taken out.  We considered sitting in the parking lot and watching for her, but decided it wouldn't be a good idea.  I suppose there isn't a message yet today because they are busy putting everything together.  

This week we will continue to pray and wait.  Wednesday I will  know what time my appointment will be on Friday.  I assume we will be heading back on Thursday night.  Thanks for checking in!  

Sarah

Now We've Got a Plan

We finally had a message this afternoon at about 2:00 with a plan.  I was too busy at school to worry about leaving tonight or packing, so that was good my mind was busy.  However, not a good busy at school.  I am wore out from the first week back with kids.  Quite the week with one kiddo in a fight, another with lots of behaviors, lots of bus issues, and another who whines like he is a baby.  Anyway, you didn't stop by to hear about my week at school; to the plan!

Donna will give her HCG shot tonight.  Well, she probably already did because Gav has to be at the office at 6 am on Sunday morning.  Yes, you read that right, 6 am!   Not excited about the early morning, but I guess we can't be picky.  Have I ever mentioned Gav is NOT a morning person?  Still no word on numbers of follicles, but praying Donna's ovaries have been busy.  That's why we're paying her the big bucks!

This all means that it will be my turn at the clinic on Sept. 14.  Not sure of the time yet, but I'm guessing we will leave Thursday night.

Meds will stay the same until Sunday.  Then, I start the fun stuff of progesterone inserts and Gav giving shots in my backside.  Which I thought he would be looking forward to, but he commented last night that the meds haven't made me crazy since changing to the estrace pills.   He's so sweet!

Keep the prayers coming!  We ARE all in!

Sarah

Prayers

I grew up going to church most Sunday's.  Since college, going to church has always made me feel close to home and I like going.  I should be better about going, but the summer is hard.  I enjoy doing the women's bible studies at my church.  I pray and read devotionals to myself.  Something that I've never been comfortable with yet is praying aloud with other people.

The last bible study I did we had "prayer partners" throughout the study.  We were given the name of someone in the group and were to keep that person in our prayers over the weeks of the bible study.  On the last night as part of our celebration, in small groups we stood in the front and called our prayer partner up by name.  It had been a secret for most people.   The person came up and we were to put a hand on their shoulder and say a prayer for them in person.  This was WAY out of my comfort zone.  Of course I did it, but I just kept thinking that if I could have written her a card instead it would have been much better.  And I almost started tearing up praying for someone I barely knew, but had been praying for over a couple months.  Something about saying prayers aloud, makes me cry.

I still remember being minutes from walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid in my 2nd cousin's wedding.  Praying on the spot and aloud is a strength of hers and I admire it so much.  She was a counselor at bible camp, so maybe she learned this skill there.  She said, let's say a prayer and she started a prayer for her new marriage and her husband.  Two bridesmaids jumped in too.  I started crying immediately and was anxious about what I would say.  Of course I had a lot to say to her on her wedding day, but again would rather write it in a note.  It was so great to be a part of.  We ended up getting called by the pastor, so I didn't have to say anything.  Amen!

Anyway...  This spring I sent this 2nd cousin an email about my blog so she could follow along if she wanted.  She read it all that night and emailed me the very next day.  She has been so supportive and possibly my most faithful follower!  In that email, she didn't just say "I'm praying for you."  She sent me the actual prayer that she was saying for us.  It meant so much to me.  Love you Lyndee!

I am sharing it with you now in case you need a starting place with your prayers like I do; and we need some prayers now, folks.  I guess it is also a song from Bible Camp so if you'd rather sing, go right ahead!

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way

God works in ways we cannot see
God will make a way for me

Christ will be my guide
hold me closely to his side

With love and hope for each new day
God will make a way

Our specific prayer requests:

• For our bodies:  That Donna the Donor and I respond to medications to prepare our bodies and stay healthy.  That Gavin stays healthy.
• For our mental health - that we can stay strong and positive and continue to be at our best in the other areas of our lives (work, school, family life)
• For the strength of our marriage 
• For the doctor's and nurses' minds and hands as they take care of Donna, me, and our embryos
• For positive results and a healthy pregnancy

Thank  you so much for your prayers.  Love - Sarah

It's started

The anxiety.

The obsessive thoughts about infertility, meds, IVF, etc.

My mind and my emotions are spinning out of control.  And we've just barely started.  It's just like when we did IVF before.  I thought it would be different without all the hormones this time because of a donor.  I guess it wasn't the meds last time.

Of course I wasn't the first to notice.  Thursday night, the hubby played softball and as we were driving home we were chatting about preparing our hearts for the worst case scenario (actually were on our way to have a few drinks with friends, but turned out I couldn't go in public after our little talk).  Hubby is very realistic, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.  I think he's starting to  think about how he's going to be pulling me up if this doesn't work.  I didn't realize all I'd been holding in until we started talking and suddenly I was a mess.  That's when I realized how this IVF stuff is consuming me, just like before.  I hate this feeling.  I hate to prepare for the worst, when it's something I want so bad.  And imagining moving on after the worst, seems impossible at times.

I've always been better during the IUI cycles.  Probably because it's less of a financial and time commitment.  With IVF, I have to plan more and the process takes longer.  More time to think and that's not good for me.  

Part of the problem is that now that the move is done, I'm not as busy.  This 12 hours a week teaching summer school just doesn't keep my  mind busy enough.  I'm starting 2 more grad classes online next week, so that should help keep me busier.  I'll go to caribou and have an iced mocha and work on homework.  That way, I have to get up and shower too.  Which has been taking a lot of pepping myself up lately.  

Last night I worked my part time job (helping an older fellow "D" with disabilities in his apartment).  There was a gospel band playing in the community room of his building.  He likes music, so we went down and listened.  They were good and "D" was entertained.  Then, they start singing a song; something like:  "Lord, help me slow and live this life of mine."  Hello?  Someone was talking to me!  It really hit home when a gentleman with downs syndrome asked me to dance.  He told me I was a good dancer (which no one has ever said to me and I'll never be told that again, unless I dance with him again).  I've got to learn, this isn't my whole life, there are other things going on for me to enjoy in life now.  Especially dancing and nice compliments!  


This is easier said than done for me.  I will still be consumed by this, but I'm going to work on trying to relax a little more.  Reading my devotions and meditating, get to some yoga classes, take some baths (when it cools off a little), keep my mind challenged and busy.  Accepting other ideas too if you have any!


Update on meds:  Friday I was on the phone with 2 pharmacies about 10 different times.  No wonder I can't think of anything else.  Anyway, with our infertility insurance maxed out, it was cheaper to get  all but 1 med through my mom because she can get everything at cost.  Plus, she wanted to buy it!  Yes, I'm 31 and my mom buys me medicine.  Love you mom!  It cost about half of what we were expecting, so that was good news.
- Sarah
     

Drugs

This morning I had my medication outline phone call with a nurse from the clinic.  I had gotten the paperwork yesterday in the mail with prescriptions and med schedule.  Luckily teaching summer school is pretty relaxed so I was able to step out of the classroom and take the call.  I had told the kiddos I'd have to answer my phone at 8:45.  Of course they were watching the clock and said my call was right on time.  Ha!   Everything is very organized and well laid out so we can keep track of everything; and it's a lot to keep track of!  There are less meds than if we were using my eggs, but it's still a lot.  I will continue with the bc pills until Aug. 5th and then start the next med which will make my body shed my uterine lining one last time and to prep for the next meds.  I woke in the middle of the night thinking about starting meds while we are on vacation in California.  I was worried it would be an injection med that needed to be in the fridge and how would I get it on the plane?  Luckily, the med that starts then is just a pill. At this point, we only know dates for some of the meds and the next steps depend on how the donor's eggs are coming along.  Everything is at 7 am, so I won't be sleeping in my last weeks of summer break, but hopefully that's just getting me ready for next summer of also not sleeping in!  I have the pharmacy my mom works at checking some prices with her discount.  Hopefully, they can get a few things at a good price, but I know a couple I will have to order from a specialty pharmacy in the cities and I'll do that tomorrow.  It's getting real that we're going for it now!  Get the prayers going now folks!!

P.S.  Last night I caught the hubby reading the blog.  He clicked out as soon as I saw him like he was ordering me a present or looking at something naughty (the second option, much more likely:)!  "I was just reading your stuff."  Ha!  I'll start asking if he wants to do a guest post!

- Sarah

Updates

This final week of the move had me so busy, I haven't been able to even read blogs let alone update mine.  I have lots of updates to share so I'm putting in bullet points.  Might need a glass of wine or something for this read!

• House update:  Last week were our last days in our house.   I was busy packing all day and night it seemed.  Tuesday, I mowed our yard for the last time too.  Which was sad because I do love to mow and we loved that yard and know we will never have a yard that big.  Wednesday was the day and we had to have everything out.  It was a weird day just walking through the empty rooms, making sure we had everything.  Gav came home from work and loaded the last load of boxes into his brother's truck; I was crying in the kitchen.  The 3 of us had one last beer at Meyer Blvd. and Gav took a few last boxes to the storage unit and I called my sister and cried some more.  Gav got back and we sat on the porch and waited for the new buyer's son to come and do a final walk-thru, I was crying again.  He had sunglasses on, but he might have been tearing up a little under there too.  To cheer me up, he said: "now you'll get pregnant and we'll buy my parents house and you can live next to your favorite friend forever."  I hope that's how it works out!  We went to set up a few things at our new "apartment" in my in-law's basement and went and grabbed some food and a beer.  Since then, we are pretty much set up.  We have a few things to move over to the storage unit, but need to see what will fit in our new "apartment" first.  I will post pics when we are all settled in.
• Distractions update:  Last weekend Gavin was invited to play in a fast-pitch tournament in Wisconsin.  I figured if he was leaving town our last weekend, I was too.  He dropped me off with a friend in the cities and he went on the next day for the tournament.  We went to a concert, shopped, ate out, danced, and went to the lake.  Just what I needed!  Gavin's team ended up getting first place in the tournament which is a pretty big deal as they had a lot of good teams and pitchers there.  It was a late night Sunday, but worth it to get a away from our stress at home for a few days.   
• Marriage update:  This moving business is hard on a marriage.  I think neither of us thought the other one was doing enough and there was so much to get done.  Tuesday, Gav got home from work and told me that had I really picked it up this week.  I work best under pressure I guess!   He must have forgotten that I was finishing a grad class the week before too.  Whatever.  Change is hard and we have a lot at once and more coming.  We'll get through, but that last week was tough.  
• Baby-making Update:   We got the information about a possible donor on Monday.  I read through it that day and Gavin did after work.  This would be her 5th time as a donor.  She is healthy, a little taller than me and slightly more green eyes, but looks a lot like me.  This is according to the  coordinator; we don't get to see a picture.  The best part for Gavin, is that she sounds really athletic.  Which I am not and we always joked that hopefully our kids are more coordinated than me.  She is a personal trainer for a job and graduated with a degree in exercise science.  How funny is that?  On Tuesday I called the coordinator and accepted the donor.  We have a match ladies and gentlemen!  I also increased my thyroid meds on Tuesday and they will check in a few weeks to be sure it's enough.  They think the need for a dose increase could be stress related.  Really?!  Gavin went to the cities for softball again this weekend.  He is going to stay and work from the office there on Monday so that he can "do his part" at the clinic.  This will be for a sample to freeze in case we get to the real thing and he is sick or has broken both his arms or something!  They will also do an analysis on the sample and blood work.  
• The dilemma:   I can keep secrets for other people, but not so much about me.  Pretty much as soon as I started the blog, I told my mom, sister, sister-in-law, aunts, and close girlfriends about the blog.  They are probably the only ones that read it actually!  Now that we have the money in the bank and a donor match, things can start rolling for the IVF cycle when we are ready.  I was struggling with the decision to put dates about our plan on the blog or keep that a secret.  When we did IVF on our own, we didn't tell anyone.  I think I told my sister "sometime in the winter" and our parents probably had a guess because they knew about when I was giving myself shots.  Not telling is nice because then people don't keep asking about it.  Then, when it didn't work, we just told the people we wanted to.  It's also a little stressful to keep it a secret.  If we keep the dates a secret, what will I blog about and a main reason for the blog is to document the journey.  So, I've decided to keep blogging and share dates on here. ** I trust that the people I've told about the blog understand that we don't want everyone and their brother to know about the timing of our IVF cycle.  The friends and family that I told about the blog are also the people we would tell about the success or failure of this cycle.  I hope you keep following with prayers, because here we go people!
• Dates:  Now that we accepted the donor, the next cycle the clinic does is in September and we've decided to go ahead with this cycle.  Don't worry it won't be the first week of school!  The donor and I both will start taking birth control pills on Sunday to get our cycles in  sync.  Other meds and information will be coming later on.  We have a trip to California with Gavin's family planned in August.  I'm thinking after that trip, I will start backing off the drinking and caffeine and try to eat a little better.  This summer has been bad, kind of like I'm 22 or something.  Sure has been a fun summer though!  Then, I can also tell the people that we won't share the dates with that I am just trying to get my body ready for "maybe" doing a cycle, but nothing specific.   
• If you read all this, wow!  thanks!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.  - Sarah