Through this egg donor process, I've decided to keep as positive as I can and just focus on the now. One day at a time. What I need to do as far as meds, appointments, paperwork, and the rest of my life, etc. Of course I catch myself daydreaming of what it will be like if it works and I try not to think about it not working. It's just too depressing. I realize the statistics and there's a better chance of it not working, but it's just too scary and hurts to think about it like that.
My husband is a little the opposite. Last night we were talking and he really wants to start thinking about a back-up plan. I don't want to yet. I know there are a lot of decisions to make, but I just want to keep hoping for the best and think about that when we need to. He's so worried about me if it doesn't work and I get that it's a lot for him to go through too and try and hold me up if it doesn't work at the same time. It's a lot of pressure for him.
I know that financially and emotionally this is our last shot. We can only take so much. We may have some frozen to try someday, but the rest of our life can't wait for that. We will need to find a house. Should we buy something small and keep saving money? Should we buy something really nice beings we could afford more as a family of 2? Will I always feel like I'm missing something in my life without kiddos of my own? Will our marriage make it?
So many unknowns and it's so hard.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
It's started
The anxiety.
The obsessive thoughts about infertility, meds, IVF, etc.
My mind and my emotions are spinning out of control. And we've just barely started. It's just like when we did IVF before. I thought it would be different without all the hormones this time because of a donor. I guess it wasn't the meds last time.
Of course I wasn't the first to notice. Thursday night, the hubby played softball and as we were driving home we were chatting about preparing our hearts for the worst case scenario (actually were on our way to have a few drinks with friends, but turned out I couldn't go in public after our little talk). Hubby is very realistic, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I think he's starting to think about how he's going to be pulling me up if this doesn't work. I didn't realize all I'd been holding in until we started talking and suddenly I was a mess. That's when I realized how this IVF stuff is consuming me, just like before. I hate this feeling. I hate to prepare for the worst, when it's something I want so bad. And imagining moving on after the worst, seems impossible at times.
I've always been better during the IUI cycles. Probably because it's less of a financial and time commitment. With IVF, I have to plan more and the process takes longer. More time to think and that's not good for me.
Part of the problem is that now that the move is done, I'm not as busy. This 12 hours a week teaching summer school just doesn't keep my mind busy enough. I'm starting 2 more grad classes online next week, so that should help keep me busier. I'll go to caribou and have an iced mocha and work on homework. That way, I have to get up and shower too. Which has been taking a lot of pepping myself up lately.
Last night I worked my part time job (helping an older fellow "D" with disabilities in his apartment). There was a gospel band playing in the community room of his building. He likes music, so we went down and listened. They were good and "D" was entertained. Then, they start singing a song; something like: "Lord, help me slow and live this life of mine." Hello? Someone was talking to me! It really hit home when a gentleman with downs syndrome asked me to dance. He told me I was a good dancer (which no one has ever said to me and I'll never be told that again, unless I dance with him again). I've got to learn, this isn't my whole life, there are other things going on for me to enjoy in life now. Especially dancing and nice compliments!
This is easier said than done for me. I will still be consumed by this, but I'm going to work on trying to relax a little more. Reading my devotions and meditating, get to some yoga classes, take some baths (when it cools off a little), keep my mind challenged and busy. Accepting other ideas too if you have any!
Update on meds: Friday I was on the phone with 2 pharmacies about 10 different times. No wonder I can't think of anything else. Anyway, with our infertility insurance maxed out, it was cheaper to get all but 1 med through my mom because she can get everything at cost. Plus, she wanted to buy it! Yes, I'm 31 and my mom buys me medicine. Love you mom! It cost about half of what we were expecting, so that was good news.
- Sarah
The obsessive thoughts about infertility, meds, IVF, etc.
My mind and my emotions are spinning out of control. And we've just barely started. It's just like when we did IVF before. I thought it would be different without all the hormones this time because of a donor. I guess it wasn't the meds last time.
Of course I wasn't the first to notice. Thursday night, the hubby played softball and as we were driving home we were chatting about preparing our hearts for the worst case scenario (actually were on our way to have a few drinks with friends, but turned out I couldn't go in public after our little talk). Hubby is very realistic, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I think he's starting to think about how he's going to be pulling me up if this doesn't work. I didn't realize all I'd been holding in until we started talking and suddenly I was a mess. That's when I realized how this IVF stuff is consuming me, just like before. I hate this feeling. I hate to prepare for the worst, when it's something I want so bad. And imagining moving on after the worst, seems impossible at times.
I've always been better during the IUI cycles. Probably because it's less of a financial and time commitment. With IVF, I have to plan more and the process takes longer. More time to think and that's not good for me.
Part of the problem is that now that the move is done, I'm not as busy. This 12 hours a week teaching summer school just doesn't keep my mind busy enough. I'm starting 2 more grad classes online next week, so that should help keep me busier. I'll go to caribou and have an iced mocha and work on homework. That way, I have to get up and shower too. Which has been taking a lot of pepping myself up lately.
Last night I worked my part time job (helping an older fellow "D" with disabilities in his apartment). There was a gospel band playing in the community room of his building. He likes music, so we went down and listened. They were good and "D" was entertained. Then, they start singing a song; something like: "Lord, help me slow and live this life of mine." Hello? Someone was talking to me! It really hit home when a gentleman with downs syndrome asked me to dance. He told me I was a good dancer (which no one has ever said to me and I'll never be told that again, unless I dance with him again). I've got to learn, this isn't my whole life, there are other things going on for me to enjoy in life now. Especially dancing and nice compliments!
This is easier said than done for me. I will still be consumed by this, but I'm going to work on trying to relax a little more. Reading my devotions and meditating, get to some yoga classes, take some baths (when it cools off a little), keep my mind challenged and busy. Accepting other ideas too if you have any!
Update on meds: Friday I was on the phone with 2 pharmacies about 10 different times. No wonder I can't think of anything else. Anyway, with our infertility insurance maxed out, it was cheaper to get all but 1 med through my mom because she can get everything at cost. Plus, she wanted to buy it! Yes, I'm 31 and my mom buys me medicine. Love you mom! It cost about half of what we were expecting, so that was good news.
- Sarah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)