Sunday, July 29, 2012

It's started

The anxiety.

The obsessive thoughts about infertility, meds, IVF, etc.

My mind and my emotions are spinning out of control.  And we've just barely started.  It's just like when we did IVF before.  I thought it would be different without all the hormones this time because of a donor.  I guess it wasn't the meds last time.

Of course I wasn't the first to notice.  Thursday night, the hubby played softball and as we were driving home we were chatting about preparing our hearts for the worst case scenario (actually were on our way to have a few drinks with friends, but turned out I couldn't go in public after our little talk).  Hubby is very realistic, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.  I think he's starting to  think about how he's going to be pulling me up if this doesn't work.  I didn't realize all I'd been holding in until we started talking and suddenly I was a mess.  That's when I realized how this IVF stuff is consuming me, just like before.  I hate this feeling.  I hate to prepare for the worst, when it's something I want so bad.  And imagining moving on after the worst, seems impossible at times.

I've always been better during the IUI cycles.  Probably because it's less of a financial and time commitment.  With IVF, I have to plan more and the process takes longer.  More time to think and that's not good for me.  

Part of the problem is that now that the move is done, I'm not as busy.  This 12 hours a week teaching summer school just doesn't keep my  mind busy enough.  I'm starting 2 more grad classes online next week, so that should help keep me busier.  I'll go to caribou and have an iced mocha and work on homework.  That way, I have to get up and shower too.  Which has been taking a lot of pepping myself up lately.  

Last night I worked my part time job (helping an older fellow "D" with disabilities in his apartment).  There was a gospel band playing in the community room of his building.  He likes music, so we went down and listened.  They were good and "D" was entertained.  Then, they start singing a song; something like:  "Lord, help me slow and live this life of mine."  Hello?  Someone was talking to me!  It really hit home when a gentleman with downs syndrome asked me to dance.  He told me I was a good dancer (which no one has ever said to me and I'll never be told that again, unless I dance with him again).  I've got to learn, this isn't my whole life, there are other things going on for me to enjoy in life now.  Especially dancing and nice compliments!  

This is easier said than done for me.  I will still be consumed by this, but I'm going to work on trying to relax a little more.  Reading my devotions and meditating, get to some yoga classes, take some baths (when it cools off a little), keep my mind challenged and busy.  Accepting other ideas too if you have any!

Update on meds:  Friday I was on the phone with 2 pharmacies about 10 different times.  No wonder I can't think of anything else.  Anyway, with our infertility insurance maxed out, it was cheaper to get  all but 1 med through my mom because she can get everything at cost.  Plus, she wanted to buy it!  Yes, I'm 31 and my mom buys me medicine.  Love you mom!  It cost about half of what we were expecting, so that was good news.
- Sarah

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