Wednesday, August 15, 2012

What if it doesn't work?

Through this egg donor process, I've decided to keep as positive as I can and just focus on the now.  One day at a time.  What I need to do as far as meds, appointments, paperwork, and the rest of my life, etc.  Of course I catch myself daydreaming of what it will be like if it works and I try not to think about it not working.  It's just too depressing.  I realize the statistics and there's a better chance of it not working, but it's just too scary and hurts to think about it like that.

My husband is a little the opposite.  Last night we were talking and he really wants to start thinking about a back-up plan.  I don't want to yet.  I know there are a lot of decisions to make, but I just want to keep hoping for the best and think about that when we need to.  He's so worried about me if it doesn't work and I get that it's a lot for him to go through too and try and hold me up if it doesn't work at the same time.  It's a lot of pressure for him.  

I know that financially and emotionally this is our last shot.  We can only take so much.  We may have some frozen to try someday, but the rest of our life can't wait for that.  We will need to find a house.  Should we  buy something small and keep saving money?  Should we buy something really nice beings we could afford more as a family of 2?  Will I always feel like I'm missing something in my life without kiddos of my own?  Will our marriage make it?  

So many unknowns and it's so hard.

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