It's started

The anxiety.

The obsessive thoughts about infertility, meds, IVF, etc.

My mind and my emotions are spinning out of control.  And we've just barely started.  It's just like when we did IVF before.  I thought it would be different without all the hormones this time because of a donor.  I guess it wasn't the meds last time.

Of course I wasn't the first to notice.  Thursday night, the hubby played softball and as we were driving home we were chatting about preparing our hearts for the worst case scenario (actually were on our way to have a few drinks with friends, but turned out I couldn't go in public after our little talk).  Hubby is very realistic, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.  I think he's starting to  think about how he's going to be pulling me up if this doesn't work.  I didn't realize all I'd been holding in until we started talking and suddenly I was a mess.  That's when I realized how this IVF stuff is consuming me, just like before.  I hate this feeling.  I hate to prepare for the worst, when it's something I want so bad.  And imagining moving on after the worst, seems impossible at times.

I've always been better during the IUI cycles.  Probably because it's less of a financial and time commitment.  With IVF, I have to plan more and the process takes longer.  More time to think and that's not good for me.  

Part of the problem is that now that the move is done, I'm not as busy.  This 12 hours a week teaching summer school just doesn't keep my  mind busy enough.  I'm starting 2 more grad classes online next week, so that should help keep me busier.  I'll go to caribou and have an iced mocha and work on homework.  That way, I have to get up and shower too.  Which has been taking a lot of pepping myself up lately.  

Last night I worked my part time job (helping an older fellow "D" with disabilities in his apartment).  There was a gospel band playing in the community room of his building.  He likes music, so we went down and listened.  They were good and "D" was entertained.  Then, they start singing a song; something like:  "Lord, help me slow and live this life of mine."  Hello?  Someone was talking to me!  It really hit home when a gentleman with downs syndrome asked me to dance.  He told me I was a good dancer (which no one has ever said to me and I'll never be told that again, unless I dance with him again).  I've got to learn, this isn't my whole life, there are other things going on for me to enjoy in life now.  Especially dancing and nice compliments!  


This is easier said than done for me.  I will still be consumed by this, but I'm going to work on trying to relax a little more.  Reading my devotions and meditating, get to some yoga classes, take some baths (when it cools off a little), keep my mind challenged and busy.  Accepting other ideas too if you have any!


Update on meds:  Friday I was on the phone with 2 pharmacies about 10 different times.  No wonder I can't think of anything else.  Anyway, with our infertility insurance maxed out, it was cheaper to get  all but 1 med through my mom because she can get everything at cost.  Plus, she wanted to buy it!  Yes, I'm 31 and my mom buys me medicine.  Love you mom!  It cost about half of what we were expecting, so that was good news.
- Sarah
     

Drugs

This morning I had my medication outline phone call with a nurse from the clinic.  I had gotten the paperwork yesterday in the mail with prescriptions and med schedule.  Luckily teaching summer school is pretty relaxed so I was able to step out of the classroom and take the call.  I had told the kiddos I'd have to answer my phone at 8:45.  Of course they were watching the clock and said my call was right on time.  Ha!   Everything is very organized and well laid out so we can keep track of everything; and it's a lot to keep track of!  There are less meds than if we were using my eggs, but it's still a lot.  I will continue with the bc pills until Aug. 5th and then start the next med which will make my body shed my uterine lining one last time and to prep for the next meds.  I woke in the middle of the night thinking about starting meds while we are on vacation in California.  I was worried it would be an injection med that needed to be in the fridge and how would I get it on the plane?  Luckily, the med that starts then is just a pill. At this point, we only know dates for some of the meds and the next steps depend on how the donor's eggs are coming along.  Everything is at 7 am, so I won't be sleeping in my last weeks of summer break, but hopefully that's just getting me ready for next summer of also not sleeping in!  I have the pharmacy my mom works at checking some prices with her discount.  Hopefully, they can get a few things at a good price, but I know a couple I will have to order from a specialty pharmacy in the cities and I'll do that tomorrow.  It's getting real that we're going for it now!  Get the prayers going now folks!!

P.S.  Last night I caught the hubby reading the blog.  He clicked out as soon as I saw him like he was ordering me a present or looking at something naughty (the second option, much more likely:)!  "I was just reading your stuff."  Ha!  I'll start asking if he wants to do a guest post!

- Sarah

Date Night

Last night we signed paperwork with a notary for the egg donor process.  We had to make decisions about what happens to our embryos if something happens to one or both of us.  I put all the paperwork in the mail today.  Then, we went and grabbed dinner and drinks and came home to watch the movie that we both fell asleep about 10 minutes in on Sunday night.  Couldn't stay awake Sunday night after a wonderful weekend of golf, lakes, horse races, and sun!  Thursday morning I have a phone conference appointment to go over all medications that I will be on and hopefully find out about getting those ordered.  It's coming fast!

Have a great week!  - Sarah

I never thought I'd see the day...

Today I received a letter in the mail AND a voice mail from the clinic with instructions that we need to either abstain or use a barrier method to prevent pregnancy even though I started birth control for our upcoming cycle with the donor.  Are you kidding me?  We've been trying for 5 years, is there really a chance I could get pregnant on birth control pills?  I feel like we have a better chance of winning the lottery and we don't even buy lottery tickets.  They repeated this in the voice mail twice so they must mean business.  I guess we'll follow the doctor's orders!

I guess this message doesn't have much to do with our plans, but I just don't want to forget that I was ever told this direction.  And now I have a new joke - "Honey, remember that time we were SO fertile we needed 2 types of birth control."  Never thought I would say that.

Updates

This final week of the move had me so busy, I haven't been able to even read blogs let alone update mine.  I have lots of updates to share so I'm putting in bullet points.  Might need a glass of wine or something for this read!

• House update:  Last week were our last days in our house.   I was busy packing all day and night it seemed.  Tuesday, I mowed our yard for the last time too.  Which was sad because I do love to mow and we loved that yard and know we will never have a yard that big.  Wednesday was the day and we had to have everything out.  It was a weird day just walking through the empty rooms, making sure we had everything.  Gav came home from work and loaded the last load of boxes into his brother's truck; I was crying in the kitchen.  The 3 of us had one last beer at Meyer Blvd. and Gav took a few last boxes to the storage unit and I called my sister and cried some more.  Gav got back and we sat on the porch and waited for the new buyer's son to come and do a final walk-thru, I was crying again.  He had sunglasses on, but he might have been tearing up a little under there too.  To cheer me up, he said: "now you'll get pregnant and we'll buy my parents house and you can live next to your favorite friend forever."  I hope that's how it works out!  We went to set up a few things at our new "apartment" in my in-law's basement and went and grabbed some food and a beer.  Since then, we are pretty much set up.  We have a few things to move over to the storage unit, but need to see what will fit in our new "apartment" first.  I will post pics when we are all settled in.
• Distractions update:  Last weekend Gavin was invited to play in a fast-pitch tournament in Wisconsin.  I figured if he was leaving town our last weekend, I was too.  He dropped me off with a friend in the cities and he went on the next day for the tournament.  We went to a concert, shopped, ate out, danced, and went to the lake.  Just what I needed!  Gavin's team ended up getting first place in the tournament which is a pretty big deal as they had a lot of good teams and pitchers there.  It was a late night Sunday, but worth it to get a away from our stress at home for a few days.   
• Marriage update:  This moving business is hard on a marriage.  I think neither of us thought the other one was doing enough and there was so much to get done.  Tuesday, Gav got home from work and told me that had I really picked it up this week.  I work best under pressure I guess!   He must have forgotten that I was finishing a grad class the week before too.  Whatever.  Change is hard and we have a lot at once and more coming.  We'll get through, but that last week was tough.  
• Baby-making Update:   We got the information about a possible donor on Monday.  I read through it that day and Gavin did after work.  This would be her 5th time as a donor.  She is healthy, a little taller than me and slightly more green eyes, but looks a lot like me.  This is according to the  coordinator; we don't get to see a picture.  The best part for Gavin, is that she sounds really athletic.  Which I am not and we always joked that hopefully our kids are more coordinated than me.  She is a personal trainer for a job and graduated with a degree in exercise science.  How funny is that?  On Tuesday I called the coordinator and accepted the donor.  We have a match ladies and gentlemen!  I also increased my thyroid meds on Tuesday and they will check in a few weeks to be sure it's enough.  They think the need for a dose increase could be stress related.  Really?!  Gavin went to the cities for softball again this weekend.  He is going to stay and work from the office there on Monday so that he can "do his part" at the clinic.  This will be for a sample to freeze in case we get to the real thing and he is sick or has broken both his arms or something!  They will also do an analysis on the sample and blood work.  
• The dilemma:   I can keep secrets for other people, but not so much about me.  Pretty much as soon as I started the blog, I told my mom, sister, sister-in-law, aunts, and close girlfriends about the blog.  They are probably the only ones that read it actually!  Now that we have the money in the bank and a donor match, things can start rolling for the IVF cycle when we are ready.  I was struggling with the decision to put dates about our plan on the blog or keep that a secret.  When we did IVF on our own, we didn't tell anyone.  I think I told my sister "sometime in the winter" and our parents probably had a guess because they knew about when I was giving myself shots.  Not telling is nice because then people don't keep asking about it.  Then, when it didn't work, we just told the people we wanted to.  It's also a little stressful to keep it a secret.  If we keep the dates a secret, what will I blog about and a main reason for the blog is to document the journey.  So, I've decided to keep blogging and share dates on here. ** I trust that the people I've told about the blog understand that we don't want everyone and their brother to know about the timing of our IVF cycle.  The friends and family that I told about the blog are also the people we would tell about the success or failure of this cycle.  I hope you keep following with prayers, because here we go people!
• Dates:  Now that we accepted the donor, the next cycle the clinic does is in September and we've decided to go ahead with this cycle.  Don't worry it won't be the first week of school!  The donor and I both will start taking birth control pills on Sunday to get our cycles in  sync.  Other meds and information will be coming later on.  We have a trip to California with Gavin's family planned in August.  I'm thinking after that trip, I will start backing off the drinking and caffeine and try to eat a little better.  This summer has been bad, kind of like I'm 22 or something.  Sure has been a fun summer though!  Then, I can also tell the people that we won't share the dates with that I am just trying to get my body ready for "maybe" doing a cycle, but nothing specific.   
• If you read all this, wow!  thanks!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.  - Sarah       

Packet in the mail

And that packet is 14 pages of information about a possible egg donor!   The donor egg coordinator, "J,"  called me back this afternoon.  I have to increase my thyroid medication, my numbers are higher than they should be.  No other blood-work information has come in yet.  And yes, the packet she mentioned in her message yesterday contains information about a possible egg donor!  On the phone she said that the donor has a little more green eyes than I do (mine are more blue), but looks a lot like me.  Big green eyes, long lashes, brown hair, and she's really cute!  Ha!  This will be her 5th time going through the process as a donor and they really like her at the clinic.  She must have really good eggs and many success stories.  That's all I know for now.  The packet will have more information like medical history, education, career, etc.  After reviewing the information, we will decide to chose her as a donor  match or can pass too if we don't think it's right.   I am excited to have another step in the process done, but it's a little overwhelming to be packing, moving, working on a grad class, and getting ready to leave for the weekend again.  My emotions are all over the place tonight.

Small Town Fun

This past weekend we went to my little hometown for the All School Reunion, celebrating 90 years since the first graduating class.  I'm from a town of about 350 people, so we all celebrate together!  The weekend was so much fun seeing family and old friends.  The weekend included:  a banquet, 5K run, parade, ranch rodeo, street dance, and pancake breakfast.  I love going back home!  

Of course a weekend like this, can be hard for an infertile like me.  I wanted nothing more than to be pushing a stroller and introducing classmates and old teachers to my little ones.  I wanted my kids in a wagon for the kiddie parade.  And I've never wanted anything more than to give my husband a child, when he said Friday night as we pulled into my hometown:  "If we have kids someday, won't it be great to bring them here to show where you grew up?"   Yes honey, it will.

While I was having those thoughts, I was counting all of my blessings this weekend too.  I got to dance with my dad to an Elvis song at the street dance and my mom and I were laughing and taking pictures to send to my classmate so he would send us a drink.   A few of my friends from back home, their parents weren't there this weekend.  Instead, they had flowers in their parents memory to take pictures of; too young to lose a mom or dad.  I looked across the street dance and saw a guy a few years older than me talking with his wife, and I know they gave birth to a baby boy full term this winter.  He took one breath and passed away.  I talked to my classmate's mom at the pancake breakfast. She knows what Gav and I are going through from my mom, and her daughter has also had struggles starting a family.  Except she almost died with her 3rd miscarriage because the baby had implanted in her tube.  Now she has 1 tube left, and it is blocked.

We've had our struggles, but we've had so many blessings and I will always be thankful for the gifts God has given me.  Nothing like going back home to give me a reminder though! Like my grandma told me once, "there's always someone going through something harder than you." We sure did miss Grandma Mabel this weekend.

Me, Dad, & Mom at the street dance

House news:  We close in 9 days!  We have a lot to do before then.  I got a storage unit today and I'll be busy packing the rest of the week.  I get a little weepy as I'm packing.  Gavin keeps saying to get over it, he can't wait to get out.  I'm too sentimental!

Baby making news:  The clinic left me a message yesterday.  They got some of my blood work back.  I've been taking the same dose for my under-active thyroid for years, but they are going to check my levels.  She also said she was sending some information in the mail.  Could it be donors to look at???   She didn't say, but maybe!

Happy 4th of July!! - Sarah