What's Worse?

Little B is still in the nicu and lately when it's a hard day, I find myself thinking "is this worse than being infertile, before I was pregnant, before we had her?"  I've decided it's just a different kind of hard, it's all been hard.

Before it was me being poked with needles, getting shots, having tests run, and blood drawn.  Now, poor little B is being poked and having all kinds of different tests done.  I would do anything to be the one going through what she's getting put through.  She's tough, but it's hard to see her go through things that look so uncomfortable for her.  Especially, as she's getting older and crying more.

All our infertility tests came back with no real understanding of why we couldn't get pregnant.  Possibly egg quality, but we never had a real answer.  Now, it's the same thing with B.  She holds her breath and stops breathing, and no one knows why.  They have checked anything and everything - possible infection, mri of her brain, ct of her brain, ultrasound of her heart, lungs, and vessels in her chest, 2 swallowing studies.  Everything so far has come back completely normal and no answers for why she does this.  Not having an answer or solution is so hard.

I've shed just as many tears seeing her go through things as I did during 5 years of struggling to get pregnant.  I've always thought what a miracle it was for people to just get pregnant without any help from doctors, meds, and treatments.  Now, as I walk on the labor and delivery floor and in the nicu everyday and see babies born and then going home, I think what a miracle it is for a baby just to be born healthy and know how to breath and eat right away and go home.

I had to grieve that I wouldn't be using my eggs to have a baby.  Now, I'm grieving that my baby isn't coming home like I planned.  She'll be coming with a monitor, later than we planned, probably not in a car-seat, probably not able to leave the house much.  I feel more than blessed that she is here, but it's just not how I thought our first months with her would be.      Some of the first things I've dreamed about doing with her, we won't be able to do for awhile.

I made it through 5 years struggling to get pregnant with support from my husband, family, and friends.  So far, I've made it through 5 weeks with my baby in the nicu.  It's all been hard, but we're making it and it in the end it will work out.  And infertility is worse, because now I have a baby to rock and she'll be home with us soon.