Monday, January 7, 2013

Still Stings

I've been reading infertility blogs for about 4 years, and for awhile was probably even addicted.  I've loved reading about others experiences and learned a lot through these blogs.  Almost every infertility blog I ever read would post about getting to the other side or finally beating infertility when they were pregnant.  I also read posts about once an infertile always an infertile.  I am now relating to these posts.

I went back to school last week, to news of a pregnancy.  Right away the same feelings came rushing to me, like when I would here about pregnancies before I was pregnant and wanting nothing more.  My brain didn't forget.  Why do I still think like this?  I have a baby growing in me, I am blessed, I'm on the other side now.  But there they were, the feelings of wondering why is it so easy for everyone else, thinking it's not fair, and jealousy.  I think it stings a little more because this announcement is days after peeing on a stick which is just annoying to me.  Don't people know that 5 weeks, is too early to tell the world?   I'm over 19 weeks and still nervous telling people.

I realize these are feelings are ones I will have the rest of my life.  My story and journey will always be different and I will always feel a little pain and have to deal with it. It's all I've known for 5 years.  Once an infertile, always an infertile, but it was the plan for us.  We went all in, and it's made us stronger, but it still stings a little.

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