Do I Think About the Donor?

Thank you "No Good Eggs" for finding and following my blog and for commenting.  On my last post you asked if I think about my donor, so I decided to post about it.  It made me reflect on this part of our journey and I appreciate that.  All my best for your upcoming cycle!

I first started to think about our donor when we got the packet of her information in the mail last July.  We read through it several times, memorized parts of it and decided to go ahead with the match.  We even named her Donna the Donor to make it easier to talk about her.  As the process got going last summer I thought of her often:  Was she taking her meds?  Was her body responding?  How were her check-ups going?  Was she feeling ok?  Is she as cute as me?  I wasn't worried about her taking care of herself like eating right and exercising, because she's a personal trainer so I figured she was doing a better job of that than I would do.  I think Gav just kept thinking "thank goodness she's probably more athletic than my wife as a personal trainer."  When it was the day of her retrieval, we joked about hanging around the clinic parking lot to see if we could see her and tell her to do a good job.    

Then, the day of the transfer came.  The embryologist brought in the embryo information and went over it with us.  I thought of her then as I heard how many eggs they retrieved and how many fertilized.  I cried because I was expecting more.  I wasn't mad at her, but it wasn't how I thought it would go.  Now, it doesn't really matter.  Then, I was in the stirrups and the embryos were in me, it wasn't her anymore, in that very moment.  It was Gavin, me, and our babies.  My body was in charge now.  Honestly from that moment, I haven't thought about the donor.  It's like my mind and body just took over in caring for this baby, it was mine.  Of course we are so grateful for what she put her body through to give us this pregnancy.  Our clinic supports and will help in sending a letter when the baby comes and we will do this.  I can't imagine how I will put into words what she did for us in a thank you note, but we will do our best.  

I have thought that when the baby comes, I will think about the donor again.  I think my mind and my body take over again.  I'm not worried that I will have any regrets.  I think I will think about the donor when people ask who the baby looks like, but I won't feel hurt.  This is our story and I'm not ashamed, I'm proud that we took a chance for our family; that we went all in.  

Gavin has said a few times that he's worried that I will feel different when the baby comes and he's worried it will be hard for me.  I'm not sure if he thinks I'll just be staring at the wall, crying, rocking, and mumbling, or what he thinks.  I try and reassure him that if I was ever worried, I would have never gone ahead with this.

A few weeks ago, a fb friend posted baby pictures of her, her husband, and their baby all at about the same age.  I did think, "wouldn't make sense for us to do this one."  It didn't make me sad, just made me smile.