Prayers

I grew up going to church most Sunday's.  Since college, going to church has always made me feel close to home and I like going.  I should be better about going, but the summer is hard.  I enjoy doing the women's bible studies at my church.  I pray and read devotionals to myself.  Something that I've never been comfortable with yet is praying aloud with other people.

The last bible study I did we had "prayer partners" throughout the study.  We were given the name of someone in the group and were to keep that person in our prayers over the weeks of the bible study.  On the last night as part of our celebration, in small groups we stood in the front and called our prayer partner up by name.  It had been a secret for most people.   The person came up and we were to put a hand on their shoulder and say a prayer for them in person.  This was WAY out of my comfort zone.  Of course I did it, but I just kept thinking that if I could have written her a card instead it would have been much better.  And I almost started tearing up praying for someone I barely knew, but had been praying for over a couple months.  Something about saying prayers aloud, makes me cry.

I still remember being minutes from walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid in my 2nd cousin's wedding.  Praying on the spot and aloud is a strength of hers and I admire it so much.  She was a counselor at bible camp, so maybe she learned this skill there.  She said, let's say a prayer and she started a prayer for her new marriage and her husband.  Two bridesmaids jumped in too.  I started crying immediately and was anxious about what I would say.  Of course I had a lot to say to her on her wedding day, but again would rather write it in a note.  It was so great to be a part of.  We ended up getting called by the pastor, so I didn't have to say anything.  Amen!

Anyway...  This spring I sent this 2nd cousin an email about my blog so she could follow along if she wanted.  She read it all that night and emailed me the very next day.  She has been so supportive and possibly my most faithful follower!  In that email, she didn't just say "I'm praying for you."  She sent me the actual prayer that she was saying for us.  It meant so much to me.  Love you Lyndee!

I am sharing it with you now in case you need a starting place with your prayers like I do; and we need some prayers now, folks.  I guess it is also a song from Bible Camp so if you'd rather sing, go right ahead!

God will make a way
when there seems to be no way

God works in ways we cannot see
God will make a way for me

Christ will be my guide
hold me closely to his side

With love and hope for each new day
God will make a way

Our specific prayer requests:

• For our bodies:  That Donna the Donor and I respond to medications to prepare our bodies and stay healthy.  That Gavin stays healthy.
• For our mental health - that we can stay strong and positive and continue to be at our best in the other areas of our lives (work, school, family life)
• For the strength of our marriage 
• For the doctor's and nurses' minds and hands as they take care of Donna, me, and our embryos
• For positive results and a healthy pregnancy

Thank  you so much for your prayers.  Love - Sarah

What if it doesn't work?

Through this egg donor process, I've decided to keep as positive as I can and just focus on the now.  One day at a time.  What I need to do as far as meds, appointments, paperwork, and the rest of my life, etc.  Of course I catch myself daydreaming of what it will be like if it works and I try not to think about it not working.  It's just too depressing.  I realize the statistics and there's a better chance of it not working, but it's just too scary and hurts to think about it like that.

My husband is a little the opposite.  Last night we were talking and he really wants to start thinking about a back-up plan.  I don't want to yet.  I know there are a lot of decisions to make, but I just want to keep hoping for the best and think about that when we need to.  He's so worried about me if it doesn't work and I get that it's a lot for him to go through too and try and hold me up if it doesn't work at the same time.  It's a lot of pressure for him.  

I know that financially and emotionally this is our last shot.  We can only take so much.  We may have some frozen to try someday, but the rest of our life can't wait for that.  We will need to find a house.  Should we  buy something small and keep saving money?  Should we buy something really nice beings we could afford more as a family of 2?  Will I always feel like I'm missing something in my life without kiddos of my own?  Will our marriage make it?  

So many unknowns and it's so hard.

Updates

This final week of the move had me so busy, I haven't been able to even read blogs let alone update mine.  I have lots of updates to share so I'm putting in bullet points.  Might need a glass of wine or something for this read!

• House update:  Last week were our last days in our house.   I was busy packing all day and night it seemed.  Tuesday, I mowed our yard for the last time too.  Which was sad because I do love to mow and we loved that yard and know we will never have a yard that big.  Wednesday was the day and we had to have everything out.  It was a weird day just walking through the empty rooms, making sure we had everything.  Gav came home from work and loaded the last load of boxes into his brother's truck; I was crying in the kitchen.  The 3 of us had one last beer at Meyer Blvd. and Gav took a few last boxes to the storage unit and I called my sister and cried some more.  Gav got back and we sat on the porch and waited for the new buyer's son to come and do a final walk-thru, I was crying again.  He had sunglasses on, but he might have been tearing up a little under there too.  To cheer me up, he said: "now you'll get pregnant and we'll buy my parents house and you can live next to your favorite friend forever."  I hope that's how it works out!  We went to set up a few things at our new "apartment" in my in-law's basement and went and grabbed some food and a beer.  Since then, we are pretty much set up.  We have a few things to move over to the storage unit, but need to see what will fit in our new "apartment" first.  I will post pics when we are all settled in.
• Distractions update:  Last weekend Gavin was invited to play in a fast-pitch tournament in Wisconsin.  I figured if he was leaving town our last weekend, I was too.  He dropped me off with a friend in the cities and he went on the next day for the tournament.  We went to a concert, shopped, ate out, danced, and went to the lake.  Just what I needed!  Gavin's team ended up getting first place in the tournament which is a pretty big deal as they had a lot of good teams and pitchers there.  It was a late night Sunday, but worth it to get a away from our stress at home for a few days.   
• Marriage update:  This moving business is hard on a marriage.  I think neither of us thought the other one was doing enough and there was so much to get done.  Tuesday, Gav got home from work and told me that had I really picked it up this week.  I work best under pressure I guess!   He must have forgotten that I was finishing a grad class the week before too.  Whatever.  Change is hard and we have a lot at once and more coming.  We'll get through, but that last week was tough.  
• Baby-making Update:   We got the information about a possible donor on Monday.  I read through it that day and Gavin did after work.  This would be her 5th time as a donor.  She is healthy, a little taller than me and slightly more green eyes, but looks a lot like me.  This is according to the  coordinator; we don't get to see a picture.  The best part for Gavin, is that she sounds really athletic.  Which I am not and we always joked that hopefully our kids are more coordinated than me.  She is a personal trainer for a job and graduated with a degree in exercise science.  How funny is that?  On Tuesday I called the coordinator and accepted the donor.  We have a match ladies and gentlemen!  I also increased my thyroid meds on Tuesday and they will check in a few weeks to be sure it's enough.  They think the need for a dose increase could be stress related.  Really?!  Gavin went to the cities for softball again this weekend.  He is going to stay and work from the office there on Monday so that he can "do his part" at the clinic.  This will be for a sample to freeze in case we get to the real thing and he is sick or has broken both his arms or something!  They will also do an analysis on the sample and blood work.  
• The dilemma:   I can keep secrets for other people, but not so much about me.  Pretty much as soon as I started the blog, I told my mom, sister, sister-in-law, aunts, and close girlfriends about the blog.  They are probably the only ones that read it actually!  Now that we have the money in the bank and a donor match, things can start rolling for the IVF cycle when we are ready.  I was struggling with the decision to put dates about our plan on the blog or keep that a secret.  When we did IVF on our own, we didn't tell anyone.  I think I told my sister "sometime in the winter" and our parents probably had a guess because they knew about when I was giving myself shots.  Not telling is nice because then people don't keep asking about it.  Then, when it didn't work, we just told the people we wanted to.  It's also a little stressful to keep it a secret.  If we keep the dates a secret, what will I blog about and a main reason for the blog is to document the journey.  So, I've decided to keep blogging and share dates on here. ** I trust that the people I've told about the blog understand that we don't want everyone and their brother to know about the timing of our IVF cycle.  The friends and family that I told about the blog are also the people we would tell about the success or failure of this cycle.  I hope you keep following with prayers, because here we go people!
• Dates:  Now that we accepted the donor, the next cycle the clinic does is in September and we've decided to go ahead with this cycle.  Don't worry it won't be the first week of school!  The donor and I both will start taking birth control pills on Sunday to get our cycles in  sync.  Other meds and information will be coming later on.  We have a trip to California with Gavin's family planned in August.  I'm thinking after that trip, I will start backing off the drinking and caffeine and try to eat a little better.  This summer has been bad, kind of like I'm 22 or something.  Sure has been a fun summer though!  Then, I can also tell the people that we won't share the dates with that I am just trying to get my body ready for "maybe" doing a cycle, but nothing specific.   
• If you read all this, wow!  thanks!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.  - Sarah