Cousins

Yesterday was a busy day for B.  She met her little cousins for the first time!  My mom, sister, and her twins came to spend the day with us.  It was a fun day, but sure different from if they would have visited a year ago.  This time we fed, burped, changed, pumped, snuggled, visited, and had lots of laughs.  No shopping or out to lunch and drinks this time.  Maybe next time if the dads are around to let us out for a few hours.  It was a great day!  I didn't get many pictures  with all that baby stuff we had to do!

Grandma with the 3 new babies (Maysen, Jack, and Bayden)

Auntie Megan and B

Grandma and Maysen sleeping in her favorite position

After a busy day with company, B had a photo shoot last night.  It's a little harder to get newborn pictures when she acts like an 8 week old baby in some ways.  Our friend worked so  hard and got some really cute ones though.  Towards the end of the night though, here is what little Bayden thought of pictures....

F%&#   this!

Dear NICU

Today we went to see B's nicu doctor and occupational therapist for a check-up.  She will be going in for these check-ups about once a month.  She checks out fine.  They'd like to see her gaining a little more weight and she still needs the monitor of course.  We also brought a thank-you note for the staff in the nicu. While it was not a fun place to visit for hours a day for 6 weeks, we are very thankful for the care and love they gave Bayden.  Her thank you note went something like this.

Dear NICU -

Thank you for taking such good care of me during my stay at the NICU.  Thank you for feeding me, changing my diapers, giving me my medicine, giving me baths, and putting me in cute outfits with matching bedding.  Thank you for the head massages (the ones you called "stim").  They were a little rough sometimes, but it was a nice reminder to take a breath.  And of course thank you for all the little bursts of oxygen you gave me!  Sorry for causing so much trouble.  Most of all, thanks for snuggling me when my mom and dad couldn't be there.

I also want to a apologize for my mother.  She really was the biggest baby in the NICU, poor gal.  My mom and dad tried and waited a long time to have me and they have gone through a lot of hard stuff.  She just couldn't help it.  Thanks for giving her hugs and helping her through my hospital stay.  She's better now that I'm at home!

Thanks for all you did for me and all the other babies.  I will stop in and visit!

Love, Bayden

Home Sweet Home

We've been home a little over a week now.  So far so good!  I sure don't miss that drive to the nicu a couple times a day.  We've been enjoying the cuddling and are finding our routine.  Bayden has had lots of visitors, almost everyday.  We can just about see her growing.  Her monitor has gone off, mostly for errors or the parts hooked to her are loose.  A few have been because she has taken a break from that chore of breathing while eating.  No alarms have been scary, all that we are familiar with handling, she usually just needs to burp.  She went to see her pediatrician on Friday and weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces.  Tomorrow we go for a check-up with her nicu doctor.  Here are some pictures of home!

Cuddling with daddy when we roomed in at the hospital.  

"So over the nicu, let's get out of here"

First bath at home

Cousin Howie visiting.  He may have needed a bribe to pose for a picture by her!

Cousin Makenzie

Great grandma and grandpa Smith, our first outing!

Kisses from our godson and his sister

Tired out from tummy time

Her favorite spot

Finally a family of 4 at home!

Sleepover and a Homecoming

After 6 weeks in the nicu, we brought our baby home yesterday!  Thursday marked 1 week of not needing any extra oxygen (blow by) for Bayden and that was the requirement for discharge.  The nicu invited Gavin and I in for a sleepover to "room in" at the hospital to have a practice night with her monitor.  We packed our bags and got to the hospital that evening.  They set us up in a room like we were in when she was born and brought her bassinet in.  We did her bath and fed her and did lots of snuggling.  We tried to sleep but in those beds it was hard.  And I may have been staring at her monitor to make sure the little green light by the lungs picture was blinking.  The nurses brought in a bottle every 3 hours.  I decided to not stress about breastfeeding that night and just pumped.  The night went smoothly and she slept after each of her bottles until we got her up for the next one.

Friday morning we showered, got ready and hung out until her nurse was ready and then we took her back to the nicu to do discharge stuff.  I hugged some of our favorite nurses good bye and we were on our way at about 1:00, exactly 43 days since she was born.  As I pulled an oxygen tank behind me to bring home (just in case we need it), I told Bayden how embarrassing that is to haul around.  I'm sure she's thinking:  "like you weren't embarrassing me in the nicu?  you were the biggest baby in there, mother."

It felt so great to bring her home, but it feels so separate from her birth.  It's a different feeling that I'm not sure how to explain.  We spent yesterday cuddling, feeding, pumping, changing diapers, burping, a bath, and sleeping.  We couldn't be happier.

I'm still trying to figure out this breast feeding, bottles, and pumping schedule, but it will come.  It was easier Thursday night when a nurse brought me a warmed bottle of breast milk every 3 hours.  Gav will stay home part of next week to get settled and we also have a couple appointments.  I think her travels around town will require 2 adults for awhile.  I will post some pictures of her coming home later this week.  Feels good to be home!

Big Girl

It's official.  As of yesterday at noon, Bayden is the oldest baby in the nicu.  All the babies who were there when she was born have left for home.  One lil fella maybe went to some other kind of long-term care facility, but he still got to leave the nicu.  Not an accomplishment we are super excited about, but maybe she's just making sure her first friends are all doing well before going home herself.  What a good friend!  Hope she doesn't get attached to the new babies or we'll never her get her out.

She has gained over 2 pounds since her birth weight.  She's a good little eater even though she has some big feeds and then small ones later.  I think she's just ready to eat on her own schedule instead of following what the nurses have planned.  We do breast feeding twice a day and I'm hoping today they say we can bump it up to 3 times a day.  She is a noisy eater - grunting, loud breaths, sighs, and all kinds of noises when breastfeeding or bottle.  It's a little harder so keep eating when mom keeps giggling at her funny sounds.

She is acting so much older now too.  She is awake more, looking around, moving her head to follow voices and sounds (I think, this could be a fluke).  She also stretches and moves her arms and legs more too.  I'm hoping she is awake more because she is getting older and not just because she is hopped up on the high dose of caffeine she is on to help with her breathing.  I keep telling her she needs to keep breathing because she is going to start getting really bored in the nicu the older she gets.

The doctor has decided that she needs to go 1 week without having a breathing episode needing oxygen before going home.  We have made it 4 days so far!  Please say a prayer that she can keep it going and come home at the end of the week.

Now the real reason family still looks at my blog, pictures.

1 month old - May 18th

cuddling with grandma last week

So big!  Look at her red hair in pics!!

What's Worse?

Little B is still in the nicu and lately when it's a hard day, I find myself thinking "is this worse than being infertile, before I was pregnant, before we had her?"  I've decided it's just a different kind of hard, it's all been hard.

Before it was me being poked with needles, getting shots, having tests run, and blood drawn.  Now, poor little B is being poked and having all kinds of different tests done.  I would do anything to be the one going through what she's getting put through.  She's tough, but it's hard to see her go through things that look so uncomfortable for her.  Especially, as she's getting older and crying more.

All our infertility tests came back with no real understanding of why we couldn't get pregnant.  Possibly egg quality, but we never had a real answer.  Now, it's the same thing with B.  She holds her breath and stops breathing, and no one knows why.  They have checked anything and everything - possible infection, mri of her brain, ct of her brain, ultrasound of her heart, lungs, and vessels in her chest, 2 swallowing studies.  Everything so far has come back completely normal and no answers for why she does this.  Not having an answer or solution is so hard.

I've shed just as many tears seeing her go through things as I did during 5 years of struggling to get pregnant.  I've always thought what a miracle it was for people to just get pregnant without any help from doctors, meds, and treatments.  Now, as I walk on the labor and delivery floor and in the nicu everyday and see babies born and then going home, I think what a miracle it is for a baby just to be born healthy and know how to breath and eat right away and go home.

I had to grieve that I wouldn't be using my eggs to have a baby.  Now, I'm grieving that my baby isn't coming home like I planned.  She'll be coming with a monitor, later than we planned, probably not in a car-seat, probably not able to leave the house much.  I feel more than blessed that she is here, but it's just not how I thought our first months with her would be.      Some of the first things I've dreamed about doing with her, we won't be able to do for awhile.

I made it through 5 years struggling to get pregnant with support from my husband, family, and friends.  So far, I've made it through 5 weeks with my baby in the nicu.  It's all been hard, but we're making it and it in the end it will work out.  And infertility is worse, because now I have a baby to rock and she'll be home with us soon.



 

Everything Happens for a Reason

I've had a lot of people say this to me over the years as we struggled to start a family.  I hated it and usually felt a need to slap them.  It's not helpful and never made me feel better, probably worse.  Please, don't say this to an infertile!  Now, I know there was a reason for the struggles we had and the loss we experienced, we were supposed to be B's parents.

Since her early arrival, I've been thinking about possible reasons for this.  Here is what I've come up with.

It was a safety issue.  During the week before she was born, I was in 2 small car accidents involving me backing into things.  One car into a mailbox and our other car into my father-in-law's pickup.  Maybe she felt like she would be safer in the nicu than riding around town with me any longer.  Or maybe she wanted to get my husband's mind away from my little driving mistakes; get me out of trouble.

My best friend happened to be visiting from another state the day she was born.  It was a last minute trip that brought her here.  So B got to meet her the night she was born.  This friend also just happened to be in the city of our embryo transfer on that day too.  It was meant to be.

I am the older sister so I should be the one to go through things the first time and tell my sister all about childbirth, breast feeding, the nicu, etc.  We've joked about how I paved the way for her now, kind of like in high school!  Of course now my sister has held those babies in for so long, she won't need all of my nicu information. not sure I'm the best example of how to handle being a nicu parent anyway.  Also,  I've maybe scared her out of breast feeding with my pumping demonstrations!

We weren't totally ready for her at home so maybe she did this so we would get our butts in gear.  It worked B, we are ready!  Except fora  few things, but I'll do that today.

This has given our dog a little time to check out her room and smell some of her things.  Maybe he will be more prepared.  Poor Benson, he's been our only baby for almost 6 years.

I think the real reason is that B thought we had waited long enough.  We've been planning and trying for a baby for over 5 years.  B just couldn't wait any longer to make us parents and wanted us to have more weeks of her in our arms.

We found out yesterday that when B comes home, she will need to be on a monitor to alert us if her heart rate drops, goes too high, or if she doesn't take breaths often enough.  This is so scary and now I'm asking what the reason is for this.  Haven't things been hard enough for us already?  I want her home, but of course it's not how I planned to bring her home.  I'll let you know when I figure out the "reason" for this.