Mother's Day

Today was my first mother's day.  Usually not the happiest of days for me as an infertile.  I've held back tears in church on mother's day for 5 years.  I've had to leave the room to not cry in front of people as they took a picture of "just the mom's."  I've always tried to keep my mind on my mom and the all the other mom's I love, but it was still hard to not be sad. While it wasn't how I had imagined my first mother's day; I thought I would be pregnant still, not visiting the nicu, it was a fabulous day.  

I actually got to celebrate for 2 days.  Flowers were delivered yesterday morning from Gavin with a beautiful note and there was a celebration for the nicu mommies last night.  They had cake and presents for all the moms including a picture frame with her picture, a manicure lotion set (very appropriate for all those 3 minute hand washing sessions we have to do before holding our babies), and a candle.  I also won a cute teddy bear and another lotion.  The best gift of course was holding and rocking my baby today.   Her present to me was that she ate over 70 ml twice today.  This is a big deal and part of graduation criteria in the nicu.  If her breathing keeps improving, I think she will be home soon.  Of course they haven't given us a time line yet.  

Bayden & I on my first mother's day

My mom with Bayden.  Happy Mother's Day mom!  

Auntie

Today was a big day.  After 7 weeks on hospital bed rest with twins, my sister was set free to go home until the babies come.  She made it to 36 weeks so far.  I know it wasn't an easy 7 weeks for her, in a hospital, in a town over an hour from home.  I do have to say that I enjoyed having her here.  We haven't lived in the same town for probably 5 years.  The past 7 weeks, I've gotten to see her almost every day and while we've always been close, this brought us closer.  We shared our pregnancy on a different level with this experience that's for sure.  I can't think of a single thing we haven't talked about, there were a lot of laughs, and some tears (all by me actually which doesn't really make sense; maybe I am a crybaby).  While I wish the last 7 weeks would have been different for her pregancy, it's our journey and I am thankful for the time we had together.  Lots of memories to tell the kiddos some day.

Bayden was so excited to meet her auntie!  After her bath last night, I brought in a special sleeper that said "auntie's girl" for her to be wearing today.  This little outfit was a hit with all the nurses (thanks auntie Anna!).  Bayden got to snuggle with Auntie Megan and met Uncle Matt when she was taking her bottle.  Thanks for coming to meet Bayden, I know how badly you wanted to get home!  

Snuggle time with Auntie Megan

Here are a few pics with some of her other aunties.  She is such a lucky girl!

With Auntie Robin - 2 days old

Great Aunt Arla

The First 20 Days

Dear Bayden,

You have been here for 20 days already, it seems like you arrived about 4 days ago.  It has been quite the adventure already and you are well known in the nicu for your dramatics.

Your first days on the outside were nothing but good news.  Every time we went to see you in the nicu, you had met another milestone:  you don't need the warmer, you are in clothes, you are moved to a crib, your air flow was turned down to 2, then 1, and then you don't need it at all, you tolerated your food, they increased your food, you took a bottle.  We thought at this rate you would be breaking records in the nicu for cutest baby and quickest stay for a 33 weeker.   You did need the lights for jaundice, but we know lots of babies who have needed that and you seemed to like these warm lights like mommy likes to sit on the deck and you looked you so cute in the shades.

getting some rays for jaundice

Then, it was like it suddenly hit you on day 5, "holy shit, I have to do all of this by myself; breathe, eat, digest, go potty, and keep my own temperature!  No way, I need a break."  Daddy was holding you the evening of day 5 and I came out of the pumping room (getting a 3rd very painful "massage" from the lactation nurse for the day) to your monitor blinking red and making a beeping noise that we hadn't heard before.  The nurses were very calm, but coming to get you and turning oxygen from the wall on.  They put this oxygen over your little nose on your little blue face.  The nurses were rubbing your back saying, "Bayden, take a breath."  Your little mouth refusing in a kissy face.  It was so scary to see.  The nurses said lots of babies do this and your lungs weren't done developing, you were just sleeping so hard, and took a rest from breathing.  We left that night very thankful for the nurses and thinking it was a one time thing.

Day 6 was a tough day.  You pulled your little stunt of no breathing several times in my arms, you had to have a pic line places because your 5th IV had gone bad, they stopped your feedings because your belly couldn't keep up with digesting, you needed medicine to make you poop, you started medicine to stimulate your brain to keep you breathing, they did blood work to check for infection, they did an ultrasound of your heart and lungs to send to a bigger children's hospital.  This was the first day mommy cried in the nicu.  It seemed like several steps back in one day and I was just looking at your little face rocking you and I just cried.  I was so worried about you and realizing how much developing you had left to do.  We can also blame this crying on the fact that I was up every 2 hours pumping and hadn't gotten much sleep.   My milk had arrived (at least we have that going for us).  The nurses and doctor are great, because they hug mommy and try to explain that you aren't the first baby to do this in the nicu.  Well, your my first baby and I don't like seeing you turn blue and that makes me cry.  

Since this day, you've had some more set backs with your breathing, but you are starting to get stronger and make some gains.  I have only had 1 other day of crying in the nicu, but I cried all the way across town to your auntie's hospital and a food service guy in the elevator felt bad for me and gave me a hug too.  Auntie thinks I'm a cry baby and you sound a little lazy!  We'll see how her hormones are when your cousins come, but she is kind of right. 

The tests for infection and your heart and lungs all check out fine.  You do not need heart surgery or a transplant, I asked the doctor and he thinks mommy is funny now.  I was kind of joking when I asked.  I have also asked about the price of one of those monitors to have in your room, I guess that's not an option though.  They put you back on some airflow to give you a break and also make it easier to give you a shot of oxygen when you decide to make a kissy face and stop breathing.  Almost every time after the nurses help you get your breathing going, you give a little smile or smirk and they think you're so cute, but a little naughty.  You keep the nurses on their toes that's for sure.  I feel like you might not be their favorite baby though.  You have started feeds again, smaller portions more often, and it's going much better.  They think you have severe reflux and when your food wants to come back up, you try and hold it down and in doing this, you hold your breath.  You take medicine for the reflux and your bassinet is slanted to help you keep your food down.  Last night, you had your whole feed from a bottle and they wrote that on your board because they were so proud of you, or they want to make a big deal about it so mommy will feel better because there is good news.  We hope this is the start of more progress and you will be ready to come home soon.  We love you so much Bayden!

Love Always, Mommy

2 weeks old

    

Things I Missed

Don't take this post the wrong way, I am so happy that our little one has arrived and I am so in love with her.  I loved being pregnant and I know the last weeks aren't easy, but I still feel like I missed out on a few things with her early arrival.

Our teacher at childbirth class had been preparing us for going past our due date as this is likely with first babies.  I even had plans to celebrate each week 36 weeks and beyond on this worksheet she handed out in class.  

I was supposed to take pregnancy pictures this coming weekend.  I had a cute new maternity outfit picked out and a friend who was going to take the pics had some really fun ideas for us.

Missed out on stretch marks, so that's a good thing.

I got to see my tummy bounce a couple times on the outside from her moving around.  Gav was really looking forward to the time when we would be able to see a foot or something move from the outside, but she came to soon for this.

Most of all, I miss that I can't have her on the inside taking care of her breathing and eating for her still.  It is so hard for her to do these things on her own on the outside and I'd give anything to take these troubles away from her.  Now, when I miss her because I've left her with the nurses in the nicu, I still touch my belly wishing I could feel her and know she's okay.  

How Did Daddy Do?

Several people who visited and called after Bayden was born asked me this.  I had never thought to ask our friends or family this when they had babies, but now I will; it's daddy's day too.  Bayden's daddy did great.

He was calm and told me everything was going to be ok after my water broke and I was scared as they were hooking me up to the monitors and an IV.

He rubbed my back through each contraction that morning.  Once I think he said to just let him know if I didn't want him to do something; maybe thinking I might yell, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" like in a movie.    

He held my leg when I was pushing.  He cut the umbilical cord.  He stayed with Bayden when they had to take her to the nicu and took pictures.  He said how great I did to me and to everyone he told the birth story too.

He let our friends and family know she was here and when and how to visit.  He took care of paperwork things, took things home, brought things to the hospital.

That first night when company was all gone and it was the 3 of us in the nicu, he was holding Bayden and told her he loved her and then told me it was the first time he said that, like he wanted to remember that moment forever.  He did the same thing the first time he gave her a kiss.  He told me he went back and read my very first blog post that day and he told Bayden how 17 months ago we decided to go all in because we wanted her so bad.  He had his hand on her little arm and said how he remembered from our childbirth class that any skin to skin contact is what she needs.

Now that I'm home, I can tell he is trying to balance how he reacts to my emotions.  Sometimes telling me I've got to be strong and reminding/lecturing me to take care of myself,  other times just hugging me and letting me cry, and sometimes getting me to laugh about it later because - did I really cry the other night because I couldn't get the drain closed to take a bath?

I always knew he would be a great dad, but to see him now is better than I ever imagined.

P.S.  Gav had looked in the envelope and knew we were having a girl all along.  He never told me and never let on that he knew because he knew that's how I wanted it.  In the end, I'm glad he looked because he'd been working harder than I knew on picking a name for her.

Birth Story Part 2

Here is the rest of the story!

So that am.bian helped me sleep a little, but it also gave me some pretty crazy dreams that I thought were real, but as the day went on I started to realize that it couldn't be.  I woke up a lot during the night with contractions.  I may have pushed the nurse button a lot, or it could have been a dream, still not sure about that.  I also thought that they gave me a shot in my arm for pain that had 4 big needles go in all at once.  I also told Gavin at about 7 that they were giving me mor.phine every hour into my IV bag.

I must have really hit the nurse button around 7 am because I woke up to about 6 people in the room including the doctor.  Or they could have just come in from watching my monitor.  The doctor was telling me things that seemed important and I was trying to focus, but also trying to think of a good time to interrupt and tell someone to wake up my husband.  The doctor said that there was no holding anything off, contractions were here and baby would be coming in the next 24 hours.  "Honey, wake up!"  He checked me and said I was 4 cm and 100%.  This doctor wasn't going to be on call anymore, but said the next doctor would be in to check on me and deliver.

Everyone left and I woke Gavin up.  We made a few phone calls to our parents and to work.  I  had to also call my part time job and tell them, I don't think they even knew I was pregnant.  Oops!  I was planning to take care of that this week.

The next few hours I labored through, not even realizing that it was true labor.  The nurses had mentioned my choices for meds, but I thought that was something for later, people do this for like 18 hours I've heard.  I wanted to save meds for later.  The most comfortable position for contractions for me was standing and bending over my bed which was put up high, then I would kind of rock side to side and Gavin would rub my back.  I had a lot of back pain and they said this was probably because she was face up for awhile.  My nurse and her student nurse were awesome and always checking in.  The doctor was in surgery and would be in soon.

Sometime during this, a nicu nurse came in to explain their role in the birth.  A nurse and respiratory specialist would be in the delivery room and ready to check baby and take baby to the nicu to see the doctor.

Around 11:30 the doctor came in to check me and I was thinking I would be about 5 or 6 cm.  I was 9.5 cm!  More equipment was suddenly in my room.  No time for an epi.dural at this point, they said I could have a mini ep.idural (not sure if that's what it was called) or pain meds in my IV.  I asked if pushing would be more painful than what I have been doing, just realizing that I have been in actual labor for hours.  The doctor said some people think pushing is less painful or feel relief.  At this point, a needle in my back wasn't something I wanted to do and the meds in the IV would make me feel drunk which didn't appeal to me either.  I couldn't decide and look to Gavin, of course he is just in shock that I've made it this far and isn't going to decide for me.  The nurse said she would go get the IV meds and I would have about 10 minutes to decide.  Sounded like a plan.  The doctor started getting dressed, and I was going into the bathroom again, I felt like I had to pee all the time.  I had a contraction on my way and they said I had to get back in bed.  They checked again and I was 10 cm and ready to push my next contraction.  The doctor said to try a few pushes without the meds and I could always have them later.

Contractions came and I started pushing.  I had long breaks in between contractions to rest up for more pushing (4 - 8 minutes in between).  Next thing I know, it's a girl, born at 1:07 pm!

They put her on me and said to keep her crying.  Gavin took pictures.  All I could think, "I'm a mom and I was so grateful"  After a minute or so, the nicu nurse had to take her and they did some of her checks in my room and Gavin took some more pictures.  They said she weighed 5 lbs 9 oz and I was so happy she was big for being early.  They took her to the nicu to see the doctor and Gavin went along for pictures.

The doctor worked on me (placenta and stitches).  She used words like "amazing" and "rock star" because it went so smoothly.  No one would ever describe me as tough so I can't believe I didn't need meds.  I just thought, "my body wasn't made to get pregnant, but it sure was made to have babies."  I said I should have counted my pushes, because it seemed so fast.  The nurse went back and looked at my monitor and said it was 5 contractions, 15 pushes.

It sure wasn't how I pictured it, but it was so great and we couldn't be happier.  She is our miracle and we love her so much.

Birth Story Part 1

Bayden is 1 week old today.  Here is the beginning of her arrival.

A few weeks ago at one of our childbirth classes we did an activity in which we were given about 20 cards that had different options and possibilities during childbirth and the hospital stay.  On the back was the opposite (ex. vaginal / c-section, breast feed / formula, epidural / no epidural, early labor at home / at hospital,  etc.).  We laid all the cards around a card that said healthy baby with the sides up that were in our ideal birth plan.  Then, the instructor said that things were changing in labor and to remove 6 cards that we could live without.  She had us do this several more times until we were left with 3 of our choices and a healthy baby.  The point being that things don't always go as planned and all that matters is a healthy baby in the end.  Looking back, this was a great activity for us.  We were just starting to think about our birth plan, we had 6 and a half more weeks.

It all started last Wednesday.  It was a regular day, I went to work early for a meeting, taught all day, and then stayed after school to meet with a parent.  Then, I picked up supper to bring to the hospital to hang out with my sister.  We ate, talked, watched tv, and I painted her toenails.  Then, I went home to hang out with Gavin for a couple hours and went to bed.

last picture of  me pregnant

I woke up at about 10:30 to wetness and ran to the bathroom saying, "what's going on?" "is this my water breaking?"  Gavin followed me saying that I probably wet the bed.  I said I was still leaking and I'm not controlling it.  He went to check the bed and said it was quite a bit.  We asked his mom because she used to be a labor and delivery nurse.  She said we should call in.  I talked to a nurse on the phone and she said to come in just to be sure.  I continued to feel leaking on the drive, but kept praying that I was still peeing my pants.  

They set us up in a little room and a nurse explained the process to check and see if my water bag had ruptured or not.  She said it will be a little uncomfortable because she had to have a qtip like thing inside me for a whole minute.  When she was done, I said that it didn't feel like a minute.  I guess she didn't need a minute, she was pretty sure my water had broke.  She came back about 15 minutes later saying she was calling the doctor, my water had broke.  I started crying of course thinking it was too early and baby was too small.  Gav was calm and just glad that I was home.  I had been traveling across one state and then another the past 2 weekends.  

They moved us into a bigger room and got me set up with an IV, antibiotics, and monitors for contractions and baby's heart rate.  The doctor arrived and we were happy the doc on call was who we had had our last 3 appointments with.  He said that they will monitor me for infection, but if I keep not having contractions I could stay like this for another week or so.  They did a quick ultrasound to make sure baby was head down.  He had a hard time finding her because she was so low, but head was down, but face up.  Gavin went home to get some things beings we didn't bring anythink.  He brought his work computer so he could work from the hospital and things for me to do because we thought I would be on bed rest now like my sister.  Silly us!

They gave me an am.bien to help me relax and get some sleep.  Poor Gavin wanted something too so he could sleep better in that chair that pulls into a bed.  We went to bed around 3:30 am thinking tomorrow we would be hanging out in the hospital.