Still Stings

I've been reading infertility blogs for about 4 years, and for awhile was probably even addicted.  I've loved reading about others experiences and learned a lot through these blogs.  Almost every infertility blog I ever read would post about getting to the other side or finally beating infertility when they were pregnant.  I also read posts about once an infertile always an infertile.  I am now relating to these posts.

I went back to school last week, to news of a pregnancy.  Right away the same feelings came rushing to me, like when I would here about pregnancies before I was pregnant and wanting nothing more.  My brain didn't forget.  Why do I still think like this?  I have a baby growing in me, I am blessed, I'm on the other side now.  But there they were, the feelings of wondering why is it so easy for everyone else, thinking it's not fair, and jealousy.  I think it stings a little more because this announcement is days after peeing on a stick which is just annoying to me.  Don't people know that 5 weeks, is too early to tell the world?   I'm over 19 weeks and still nervous telling people.

I realize these are feelings are ones I will have the rest of my life.  My story and journey will always be different and I will always feel a little pain and have to deal with it. It's all I've known for 5 years.  Once an infertile, always an infertile, but it was the plan for us.  We went all in, and it's made us stronger, but it still stings a little.

A New Year and 18 Weeks

Sorry for my lack of blogging over the holidays.  My break from school was busy and of course went way too fast.  This might be a long post to get you up to date.

Sunday put us at 18 weeks pregnant.

Little one is the size of a bell pepper and ears are now in their final position.  I just hope that position is not sticking out!  Boy or girl parts are developed and visible in an ultrasound (more on this later).

Momma is feeling so good and enjoying every minute.  Sometimes I think I feel movement, but usually decide it's in my head.  Every new step of this pregnancy I'm so amazed it's happening for us, and sometimes I just cry I'm so happy.  I went to visit my grandparents after Christmas.  My grandma spoiled me with home cooked meals and made sure I ate from all the food groups.  My grandpa couldn't believe me tummy (when I said I was showing a little he said, "I thought it was showing quite a bit.") and he kept saying to be sure someone lets him know when the baby comes.  Only little thing to complain about are the girls are really itchy.  Out to lunch a few days ago, I told Gav I wanted to scratch them off and I asked him Christmas day if he thought his family would notice if I took my bra off!    

Daddy still says things aren't feeling real yet, but I see how he's looking at us!  At his work Christmas party he told me he missed me.  By that he means partying with me.  Apparently, other years I would have been the life of that party.  I took this as a compliment.

We had our 2nd trimester ultrasound on New Year's Eve.  It was amazing, and I wasn't expecting to see all we got to see.  We were in there for almost an hour and saw the 4 chambers of the heart, the breathing tummy, kidneys, bladder, spine, legs, arms, feet, hands, nose bone, and more.  We didn't get to do the 3D part of his or her face because little one wasn't cooperating and looking the right direction.  I tried laying on my sides and walking around, but little one is low in my pelvis and wasn't going to cooperate.  Of course this means we will get another ultrasound in a few weeks so we're okay with that.  Everything we did see looks perfect and right on track.  I guess I have an anterior placenta which is fine, but I may not feel movement for a little while.  I'm glad she told me this so I don't start to freak out.

We had them put the gender in an envelope for now.  Gavin can't handle that it's right there, and I could carry it around for 5 months and not look.  Part of me wants to look because he wants to know and this is his thing too and it will make it more real for him, but I also want to hold out.  Not sure what to do.  At the new year's party, friends had lots of ideas like having the band announce it at midnight, but I stayed strong for now.

We are looking forward to 2013, but know that it will have it's challenges too like finding a house and moving.  Today, I am starting the year at the book store blogging, drinking my decaf mocha, and looking at baby name books.  I just can't believe I'm thinking about names, I didn't know if I'd ever get to do that.  Thanks for all your support in 2012!

Little one 18 weeks 1 day

All the wonderful presents from our surprise shower.  This baby is spoiled already!  Can you see who he or she will be cheering for?

The bump at 18 weeks 1 day, New Year's Eve.  Holding the gender envelope!

Surprise!

My best friend was in town for the last couple nights.  Yesterday we went for manicures and then picked up Gavin and some friends to meet a few more friends out for dinner.  That's what we thought anyway.  We walked into the restaurant, and their was a way bigger group of people saying "surprise!"  An early shower for us!  Since my bestie won't be back again until the little one comes, she wanted to have something for us.  She got in touch with my closest friend here and they planned the get together.  We had no idea and they had been planning this since October.  The biggest surprise is that she cannot keep a secret.  I actually witnessed her tell 2 secrets the night before when we hung out, one to me and one to her mom.  My mom also knew and she can't keep a secret either.  I still can't believe they pulled it off.

The first people we both saw and made us realize what was going on was my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew.  They always call when they come to town, what are they doing here?  They rearranged their Christmas plans to be there and had to drive late into the night after that with their 1 1/2 year old.  They are the best and they're the main reason I cried.  Even little Howie said, "surprise."  We spent the night eating, talking, and laughing; a perfect evening.  As I opened presents, I couldn't help thinking and even said it, "I didn't know if I would ever have a baby shower."  Maybe they had one in case the world ended.  We got lots of fun things for this little one who is obviously already spoiled.

The reason the night meant so much to us is the fact that people didn't just come because it was a shower, they came because they know the time and hardship it took to get to this and they've cared all along.  We couldn't have stayed so strong without good friends and family supporting us and last night was a reminder of how blessed we always have been.  It wasn't just a celebration of our little one, it was a celebration of friends and family, our support system.  I will never forget it.

Thank you so much - Kacee, Anna, Kyle, Brock, Tasha, Sam, Chris, Aaron, Kelly, Angie, Jake, Doug, Cindy, Brock, Robin, Howie, Mike, Tara, Marsha.

P.S.  As a gift we got something called butt paste and Gav thought it was a gag gift, not a real thing.  Ha!             

16 Weeks

Today we are 16 weeks and ready for a growth spurt!  Here are the updates.

Little One is now the size of an avocado and weighs about 3 1/2 ounces.  Hair and toenails are starting to grow and the little heart is pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day.

Momma is feeling so much better after hearing the heartbeat again last Friday and happy that this is when I'm supposed to be feeling so good.  Maybe even glowing!  Now, I am anxiously waiting for the next step, feeling movement.  Friends tell me that I've probably felt it, but don't know it's the baby yet.  I am slowly wearing a few favorite tops and pants for the last time in awhile.

Daddy is jealous of the hair our little one is starting to grow!  He is excited for our next ultrasound when little one will look more baby-like and is trying to convince me that we should find out if little one is a boy or girl.  So far, he has me convinced to put the info in an envelope and deciding what to do later.  

Secret's Out and a Naughty Baby

Those years we spent waiting and trying for a baby, I always thought up these fun ways to tell everyone we were expecting.  Then, when it really happened, beside close family and friends, I just wanted to keep it to myself as long as I could.  Partly because I was worried, but partly just to hold on to the time that it was just between us and those closest to us.  I would have waited until 2013 if I could have.

The only people left to tell lately are the people I work with and friends we don't see often.  I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of hiding things at work still and was going to wait until this coming Monday, get one more doctor appointment in.  Then last Monday, someone from another school was visiting my classroom to train my paraprofessionals on something.  I was talking with her and my para, who has worked with me all 7 years, and she says, "How much time are you taking off?  When are you due?"  I barely know her, how would she know?  I said I wasn't really telling people yet, but June 2nd.  Then she said, "Everyone must know, look at your little bump."  My para then, told me that they've been watching my belly grow for awhile and just waiting for me to say something.  So word is out at work.  

Then, I had book club this week and I wanted to tell, but was still nervous.  I couldn't take it anymore and said it.  Apparently, my boobs and the fact that I always have a glass of wine at book club gave it away there!    

Yesterday, we had another doctor appointment and turns out, it's okay to let everyone know our news!   Here's the updates from our appointment.

• I got my flu shot.
• Doctor set up monthly labs to check my thyroid.
• Doctor will check the length of my cervix at the next appointment because of a procedure I had done in 2006 for an abnormal pap.  She's not worried, but wants to get some good measurements.
• I told her that I'm worried because nothing seems to be going on now that I'm not gagging anymore.  
• She looked for the heartbeat and it took awhile to find.  Little one was really moving a lot she said.  It was like she had to chase him/her around my belly to find.  She said she knew something's in there because she could hear the movement and "stay still you're worrying your mother!"  Then, there it was, little one's nice strong heartbeat, in the 150's.  Beautiful sound, and I had a few tears of relief.  
• Next ultrasound is scheduled for New Year's Eve and doctor appt. on Jan. 2.  I have until the 31st to convince Gavin that we shouldn't find out what we're having!

Lemon Drops

This story is a little old, but I had to wait for my sister's news was out to tell the full story.

Growing up, my grandma always had lemon drops; in her purse, on the kitchen counter, in the camper, everywhere.  She always a treat for the grand-kids or whoever she was with.  I probably had one every time I saw her growing up.

Fast forward to about 20 some years later while my sister and I are both in the sickness stage of our pregnancies.  I had a friend tell me to keep sour or hard candies on me for when I felt sick and my sister had seen this tip on-line.  Separately, we went shopping for hard candies to carry with us.  Of course, we both pick up lemon drops, thinking of our grandma.  We talked about it that week of the purchases and laughed and cried about how we thought of her and what she would think about these three little babies.

Around 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, I was driving home from school and couldn't stop dry heaving.  With tears in my eyes because I didn't know if I should pull over and if I could make it home, I dug in my purse for a lemon drop.  Found one, it helped, and I made it home.  How I wished I could have called Grandma Mabel to tell her how I was saved by a lemon drop.

Saying it Out Loud

Besides our closest friends and family, I still am not telling many people about our pregnancy.  Most of those people found out on here, so I haven't actually said it very many times.  It still doesn't seem real.  I've only told a couple people at work, the people who knew our plan and asked.  If they hadn't asked, I wouldn't have said anything.

Last night was my last session of my bible study.  It's always the best night because there are treats, wine (I had apple cider), we find out who prayer partners are, there are special gifts handed out.  I wanted more than anything to share our praise report.  First I would have warned them that I could cry because it's an overwhelming blessing.  I wanted to share with the ladies that I started coming to bible study a couple years ago when I was struggling with understanding God's plan for us and dealing with loss.  I wanted to tell them that even though it felt too personal to share prayer requests, I always felt they were praying for me.  I wanted to thank them for that.  I wanted to announce that after a 5 year struggle with infertility, my husband and I are expecting our first baby.  But, I didn't say any of that because I am still scared that it would be that many more people to tell if something goes wrong.  Maybe I'll be braver when we start the next study in February.

I am stuck in this in-between stage of not feeling sick and not feeling movement yet and it's a scary place to be.  Our next appointment can't come soon enough to ease my worries.  That is next Friday and then I will let people at school know the following Monday.  It's getting harder and harder to hide it.  I wear a lot of the same things over and over and feel like everyone is staring at my stomach when I walk by.  My kids this year aren't very observant!

Here are a couple updates for 14 weeks and 2 days:  Little one is the size of a lemon and can squint, frown, pee, and maybe suck his/her thumb.  Momma is feeling too good, as a I stated above.  I've had some heartburn, so I'm hoping that is just a little sign that things are ok.  I've had a lot of extra time this past week now that I wasn't getting a shot, taking pills and doing "inserts" 3 times a day.  I've used all that time to start knitting a baby blanket.  I also made my first purchases of maternity clothes on cyber Monday.  Daddy said he's putting his foot down after Christmas shopping is done with the budget.  Gotta start saving for the little one!  I'd be so broke without him.

Thanks for checking in!